“God has a plan.”

“If one door closes, another one opens.”

“This is God’s will.”

We’ve probably all said and heard these phrases countless times. They’re meant as a comfort for those who are hurting. To help ease the pain, and give relief of some kind. Yet for me, as I deal with health challenges both mental and physical, it feels like a slap in the face.

Let me be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with these phrases, I want to simply add a different perspective.

I feel like things like this are often said by people who just don’t know what to say. Or, they feel that they have to say the “right” or Christian thing. Yet, those phrases can leave someone feeling that their issues aren’t being validated, and the person they’re talking to is keeping them at arm’s length.

Growing up, I heard these things a lot, so much in fact that I now refuse to say them to someone as a means of trying to comfort them, at least not in an initial conversation. Instead I focus on using statements that show I see what the person is going through and either do or don’t understand while offering support in a way that still reflects my faith.

For example, to show sympathy I say something like, “Hey, while I don’t know what it feels like to deal with this, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you and praying for you.”

To show empathy it would be more like, “Hey, I’ve dealt with this thing (or something close to it), if you’d like advice, prayer, or just an ear to talk to I’m here.”

Neither of these are taking God out of the situation, but instead, concentrating on offering clear comfort with Him involved. It’s doing a good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

The word “with,” in that verse translates to “amid,” according to Strong’s concordance. (G3326) While I love this entire chapter, it’s that one verse I try to live. Paul wants to remember that we need to be amid people not keeping our distance.

Now, I want you to take a look at all the phrases, which ones put you amid the person suffering? If you chose the ones about sympathy and empathy I’m inclined to agree with you.

There’s a song called Not Right Now, by Jason Gray, that I adore because it shares the point I’m hoping you’ll see. Here’s my favorite verse.

Tell me if the hope that you know is true, 
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend.
When their words are salt in an open wound,
And they just can’t seem to understand
That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet.

We need to learn how to just be still with a person going through hard times. There isn’t always a need to be proper when trying to comfort someone. And often times, that’s not what’s needed. Just allowing that person to feel what they’re going through and sitting with them in silence can often be more healing than anything you could ever say.