suicide

The Church and Suicide

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I’m going to be honest, in the churches I’ve attended and the sermons I’ve listened to, even outside those churches, I don’t think I’ve heard a sermon on suicide or mental health in general. In fact, the only mentions of suicide I remember hearing in a sermon were those of a spiritual aspect, in that it was a sin and the person would go to Hell.

I don’t know if those positions hold truth, so I’m not going to speak as to whether they do or don’t, but I do know that if the goal is to help and reach someone who is suicidal, there are more beneficial ways to go about it.

Pastors and Teachers:

As I said before, in my experience, suicide isn’t talked about in the church, and if it is, it’s presented in a way that can make those struggling to stay afloat feel like the suicidal thoughts and ideations they’re having are solely their fault and that they did something wrong to cause these things to happen.

While I’m sure sin has the propensity to cause those things, there are a host of other things that cause suicidal thoughts and ideations that have no relation to sin. And simply saying that suicide is sin, selfish, wrong, etc., is only going to be harmful and could possibly be a catalyst that propels a person to attempt to end their life.

To clarify, suicide and it’s ideations aren’t selfish. If a person is struggling with these ideations, there’s a good chance that their reasons are to ease someone else’s pain. They may see themselves as a burden, or liability whether physically, mentally, or financially. Please, please, keep this in mind when you, as a person in authority, speak on this subject.

Normalize Mental Health in your Church

That doesn’t necessarily have to be doing grandiose actions. It can look like making a point to say that things like depression and anxiety can be caused by sin and by other factors like trauma and genetics and clarifying to which one you are speaking to. While this isn’t directly related to suicide, this could put the people struggling at ease to know that you see the distinction between sin related mental health and medical related mental health and thus possibly make themselves more open to come to you.

Know your Limits in a Counseling Capacity

As people who are often sought out for advice, it’s really important to know when you need to advise someone to seek help for their issue when it’s more than you are qualified for, or have experience with. Suicide isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and since suicidal thoughts are intrusive (meaning that a person has no control over them), you’ve got to be careful about how you approach someone dealing with them. Yes, by all means pray for them. Yes, by all means, if you have experience with this share it. Yes, if you have knowledge on how to help them go for it, but also don’t be hesitant to direct them to a medical professional or organization who would be better equipped to help them.

Christians in General

Listen

Don’t jump in with a churchy saying or Bible verse that helped you right away. Just listen to what the person is trying to say. If you’ve been trusted with someone opening up to you about suicidal thoughts and ideations, take it as a privilege. Don’t rush to give them an anecdote, just try to hear what they are saying. Ask questions for clarification, but don’t negate their beliefs or experiences, just be there, and be kind.

(Of course, if the danger is imminent, please contact the proper authorities and/or a suicide hotline.)

Follow Through

One of the most important things you can do for a person who is struggling with this, as a Christian, is keep your word. If you offer to call them or visit them daily/weekly/monthly etc., do it. If you offer to pray for them, do it. Knowing that they have one person in their corner can literally change their entire world, please take that seriously.

I get this topic is controversial, uncomfortable, and downright scary. As someone who has lived through those ideations, I can confirm that it’s terrifying to open up and express what you’re feeling. It’s also terrifying to have those things expressed to you, and that’s perfectly okay. If you get anything from this series, I want it to be that kindness, honesty, and openness can go a long way in helping people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations.

Explaining Suicide

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Last week, I talked about the period of time in my life where I genuinely wanted to end my life. My goal with that post was to give you the knowledge that I was speaking from experience. This week, I wanted to dig into suicide and give you information about some factors that contribute to a person taking their life, as well as warning signs and how to help someone if they are suicidal.

First, let’s look at some statistics.

In the United States, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. I’m 2019 alone, there were 47,511 suicides, and 1.3 million suicide attempts. What’s even worse is that those numbers were less than those in 2018. Suicide has become an increasingly serious problem, and while we as a nation will never be able to completely eliminate suicides, there are things that can be done to help those who are struggling.

Before we can help, first we need to understand the the factors that contribute to suicide, and the warning signs that can indicate someone is at risk.

When someone gets to the point of trying, or even succeeding, to kill themselves, it’s not normally caused by one specific factor. While I’m not going to give an exhaustive list of factors, but I do want to point out a few large ones.

Mental Health Conditions:

  • Depression
  • Bipolar disorders
  • Substance abuse difficulties
  • Schizophrenia

Emotional and Historical Factors:

  • Stress (bullying, unemployment, divorce)
  • Family history of suicide
  • Abuse
  • Childhood neglect or trauma

I’m addition, not having proper mental healthcare, or a proper support system can increase the risk of suicide in a person.

Now that you have a grasp of some of the risk factors, let’s look at some of the warning signs.

  • Talking about wanting to harm or kill yourself.
  • Talking about being a burden to others.
  • Withdrawing from family and friends.
  • Taking unnecessary risks like driving too fast.
  • Extreme mood swings.
  • A change in sleeping habits.

The last point I feel the need to discuss is how you should interact with someone who is suicidal. There are a multitude of things you should do, but here are a some of the highlights:

  • Let them know you care about them.
    • When someone is feeling suicidal, they may genuinely believe that no one cares for or about them. It’s important that you show that you do care about them, while also making sure you’re not invalidating their beliefs.
      • That could mean, if someone says, “What’s the point in living, no one cares about me.” You should say something to the effect of, “I care about you. I’m here and I’m listening.”
  • Listen and be non-judgmental.
    • If someone is considering suicide, they don’t need someone telling them how all of their reasons for dying are wrong. This goes back to the post I wrote that talked about sitting with someone in their grief and suffering. Being that person who listens without being condescending or judgmental can literally save their life.
  • If someone is contemplating suicide, call the proper authorities.
    • Call the crisis hotline and possibly emergency services depending on the situation.
  • Don’t leave them alone as this could give them a possible outlet to carry out a plan if they have one.
  • Distract them.
    • Tell them a story about yourself, watch a good natured tv show, color, sing, play with a pet. The point is to get their minds off the negative thoughts.
  • Ask them. If you suspect that some is suicidal, it’s important to ask them. You can’t help unless you know.

There’s your overview of suicide, what causes it, what to look for, and how to help if the situation arises. Each hyperlink above can also be found in the “More Information” page of my website for quick access. They are more thorough than I have the space to be when explaining this subject and do a fantastic job of explaining this difficult subject in an easily digestible way.

Next week, I’m going to put this information into perspective for Christians, and talk about suicide in the church, how it can be addressed, and how we as the Body of Christ, can be a help to those struggling.

My Story

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*This post involves mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and behaviors. If you might find this triggering or upsetting please do not read. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions please seek help. The number for the Suicide Prevention Line is: (800)-273-8255)*

This picture was taken in May of this year while my best friend and I were on a trip together. It’s another in a long line of obligatory selfies the two of us take once a year when we see each other. We’ve know each other for 12 years, and have been best friends for 7 of those 12. She’s the reason I’m here today, and I want to tell that story.

At 13 years old, I was at the lowest point a person could possibly be. I didn’t see a point in living. I saw myself as a burden to my parents. I saw myself as having nobody to count on. Despite being a Christian, I didn’t see how God could even want to love someone as worthless as I was. I was awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin, and quite frankly miserable. While I had “friends,” at that point, I didn’t have someone I truly felt close to who was also female.

So, in February of 2014, I made a plan. I had it so detailed and was so driven to follow through that I even took precautions to cover my tracks so that my parents didn’t find out. By the end of February, I was just waiting for a time that no one else was home in order to go ahead with my plan, but that was harder than I thought it would be. And in effort to keep my plan under wraps, I ended up going to a Teen Retreat for my church’s conference.

I could probably write a book about how the 11 years I spent as a camper were so important to me as a kid, and why they’re still really important to me as an adult. One of the biggest though, is that, my now best friend and I got reacquainted. We talked about anything and everything, and most importantly, we connected. I could tell from that conversation that she wasn’t uncomfortable with my awkwardness, and had the same sense of dry, dark humor that I did. She genuinely liked me for me, and that gave me hope.

Don’t get me wrong, that one night didn’t magically fix everything. But it did start a healing process. We exchanged numbers and kept in contact with each other. She pushed past literally all of my barriers like they were nothing. And over the course of the next few months, the inclination to go through with ending my life stopped. Next, the suicidal thoughts eased. My depression didn’t go away completely, it still hasn’t, but it greatly improved.

I came to realize that a lot of the things that I believed about myself, and honestly believed to be true weren’t. I really wasn’t a burden to my parents. I did in fact have people I could count on, in all actuality I had, and still do have, a pretty amazing support system that I didn’t know how to utilize then, and am still learning how to utilize now.

As a Christian, I’ve come to appreciate how perfect and beautiful the love of God is. God’s love for me never changed, it’s a consistent and unchanging love, that, even when I couldn’t see it, was still working. I wasn’t worthless, I was valuable as a child of God.

Being miserable, awkward, and uncomfortable in my own skin is something that I now attribute to my undiagnosed ADHD, and an abundance of non-ADHD people in my social circle.

So, 7 years later, my best friend and I live in separate states, have majorly different career paths, and in general lead different lives. Yet, that doesn’t matter. We both know that our relationship wasn’t built on proximity, and if one of us needs the other, that person will be there.

I bet some of you are wondering why I made the decision to tell this story. Well, for starters, it’s National Suicide Prevention Month. I want to bring awareness to a topic that is considered taboo in both mainstream and Christian cultures. In addition, because it’s so delicate, I wanted to make it clear that I’m speaking from a place of experience.