mentalhealth

Death and Taxes

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Can we talk about the “tax” that comes with having things like ADHD, depression, or chronic illness? It’s honestly one of the most debilitating things that comes with having a disorder or illness, because you don’t realize what your “tax” is until you’re paying it.

Sometimes, it’s monetary. For example, I’m currently wearing earbuds that I thought I lost a month ago, and therefore, replaced. After the new earbuds arrived, I went looking for a notebook, and found the old ones under the book I’m currently reading. (It’s called the Anthropocene Reviewed) It’s now too late to return the new ones, so I’ve essentially wasted the money that could have been spent on better things or saved but, hey, at least I have an extra pair when these get permanently lost.

Sometimes, it’s pain. It’s pretty common for my arms and legs to ache. Sometimes, stretching them out helps alleviate some of the pain, sometimes it just makes it worse. Sometimes, movement of any kind makes me want to curl up in fetal position and never move again. It just depends on the day. In order to still be a functioning member of society, I have to pick and choose what I do and when. If I’m having a pain day that is triggered by movement, I know that the work I get done has to not be over the top. So that may be the day I decide to work on emails and homework rather than deep clean my bedroom.

Sometimes the tax is mental/social. If I do a socially taxing thing on a Saturday, I may need to stay home from church on Sunday because my ability to filter social interactions and my energy level is depleted.

On the days I stay home from church, I find myself feeling guilty. I guess it’s the years of believing that in order to be a good Christian, I had to be in church every single time it was open. I have to remind myself, that, Scripture doesn’t say I have to attend church every single time it happens. The writer of Hebrews says to, “not forsake the assembly of the body,” (Hebrews 10:25) the word “forsake,” means to completely abandon. That verse doesn’t mean you have to attend every single time the doors are open. It means you shouldn’t turn your back on worshiping with the body of believers. Yes, corporate worship is good, I enjoy it, yet, I know that mentally, it’s draining for me as an introvert, and as person with anxiety and ADHD. The Bible makes clear that we need to take care of ourselves, as our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit. (I Corinthians 6:19) So, when I make the choice to stay home, I’m making the choice to take care of myself, because I know that going to church would do more harm to me, rather than feed me spiritually.

That isn’t to say I don’t find ways to listen and study, in fact, I’m currently writing this while listening to one of my favorite pastors teach on a topic I find fascinating. I’m able to learn and spend time in Scripture, while also helping my brain and body decompress from a taxing week.

My point is simply this: Nobody on this planet lives tax free; and for people with mental health conditions and chronic illness, those taxes can also be found in and amongst our lives in ways healthy people may not realize. It’s okay if you’re not doing all the things that society tells you to do. One of the hardest lessons that I’m learning is that society isn’t living my life and the choices I make need to be best for me, not society.

The Mirror

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I don’t enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, there was a period of time in my life where I couldn’t stand it and would avoid it at every conceivable cost. It wasn’t until recently that I could tolerate even looking in the mirror with the intent of looking at myself.

As an adult, I’m just now figuring out how to appreciate myself for who I am. But it isn’t easy.

I’ve nailed down why though.

First, it comes down to how the medical professionals in my life handled the fact I was overweight as a child and into my teenage years. For most of my preteen/teen years, I’ve been too “fat” for my height. Diet and exercise were never a forgotten topic at annual physicals, and it was always frowned down upon to express the difficulty of those things.

“You just need to try harder.”

“You’re not motivated enough.”

“[Insert food] tastes just the same as [insert food].” (It never did. That’s a lie)

“You just need to stay within your calorie limit.”

“Having anything remotely unhealthy is a treat that can only happen like once or twice a week, and even that needs to be lessened after a period of time.”

Do you know what all those things led to? A still overweight me and really unhealthy and disordered relationship with food. Despite me trying to convey that I had trouble maintaining any semblance of energy, or any motivation in general, medical professionals didn’t seem to listen very well.

You know what? That’s not okay. Because what they did was take a look at a number on the scale and determined that all issues I was experiencing were related to it. Everything could only be solved by a “healthy” weight, diet and exercise.

Screw that. Because of that number on a scale I went most of my middle and high school years with awful self-image and and the idea that all the things wrong with me were my fault.

The reality?

The executive function caused by my ADHD makes it hard to start and finish tasks. Especially when they’re tasks that I don’t necessarily want to do.

The Narcolepsy and Endometriosis make energy really hard to come by.

The Depression makes simply functioning that much more difficult.

I needed someone to listen to me, and all I really got was frustration and body shaming.

The other reason? Toxic “Biblical” teachings.

When you’re told enough times that overeating is a sin because you’re not taking care of your body, that does horrible things for your self-image and relationship with Christ.

When you’re told that you need to fit a certain standard in body and appearance in order to be “wanted” as a Christian woman, that does jack for your self-image and makes you wonder if you’re every going to be “wanted.”

When you’re shown that if you don’t follow these certain dress standards, you’re immodest and sinning, it hurts how you perceive yourself and makes you double and triple check that you’re not sinning; which, only increases the anxiety you’re already feeling.

When you’re told that you have to cover up because it “could” cause someone of the male gender to “stumble” it makes it clear that a man’s ability to keep it in his pants is more important than how you view yourself as a human being. And that you yourself aren’t nearly as important as those of the opposite sex.

When you’re told that wearing things that make you feel good about yourself for that reason alone makes you vain, it makes you want to run away from all those things and focus on not doing anything to be considered vain because God forbid, someone have another reason to judge you.

The worst part? Most of these can be attributed to someone else’s personal beliefs and not something concrete in Scripture.

But despite all of that, I grew. Now, I wear jeans that accent my features, that make me feel confident in who I am as a person.

I wear my hair in a way that gives me confidence, and doesn’t make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin because it’s consistently touching my ears and neck.

And you know what? I keep my weight what it is because I can, and because I’d rather spend my time on this earth loving myself for who I am, and not for a standard perceived by society. And on the days when I feel bad about it? I remember that one of the kids I watch said they love to snuggle with me because “your belly is soft and squishy like a pillow.” If that isn’t a good reason I don’t know what is.

Failure to Function

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I’m not going to lie, if it weren’t for my medication, I wouldn’t be nearly as functional as I am now. It does everything from easing my ADHD symptoms, to helping my brain rationally work through a problem in a situation where, if I were unmedicated, my anxiety might not allow me to use rationale. But, medication isn’t perfect.

Yeah, my ADHD symptoms are eased by the medicine I take for my ADHD, but it took 2 years, and several medicine changes, to get to that point. In addition, my symptoms sometimes win the battle. There have been days where, despite all the medicine, coping skills, and loopholes, my executive dysfunction still has me unable to do anything productive, and my thoughts are flying so fast I feel like a radio that is permanently on “seek,” with no end in sight.

My depression medicine helps with my depression, anxiety and OCD, but it’s not perfect. Not only have I had to try different medications, since I first started taking them at 17, because either the side effects are too rough, or my body just gets used to them, but sometimes, even when they are working, it’s not enough. So, sometimes I have to run. (Not literally. If you see me running that’s because there’s probably something chasing me and you should be running too.) I have to hop in my car and drive until I get to one of my favorite nature spots. Once there, I climb in the back of my 2005 CRV, put in my earplugs that dampen noise and I just sit.

When I’m there, I’m able to breathe. All the worries about family drama, the anxiety that I’m not doing this “life” thing right, the feeling the need to be aggravated at every tiny thing that’s been bugging me; all of that can just leave. There, I can just sit, I can just exist without fear or worry. It’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms are psychological strategies or adaptations done to relieve stress. (dictionary.com) For Christians, that can look like prayer, quoting Scripture, or worship, it can also look like breathing techniques, having to put your back against a wall, relying on your 5 senses to calm you down etc. Coping mechanisms don’t have to have a Christian theme. For me, I’ve realized that what I’m trying to cope with matters greatly as to what type of coping mechanism I use. For example, to help me get through the flashbacks that I’d get when I pass the place where I flipped my car, I wave and say, “Hi” to the spot. Yes, it looks and is odd, but it was something I started doing as a joke, but realized that it helped me acknowledge the fact that I had the accident, but I’m not currently in the accident. Since then, my flashbacks have been greatly reduced. Would that work for dealing with my anxiety as to whether or not I’m a “good enough,” Christian? No. I deal with that anxiety by reminding myself of the fact that my relationship with God isn’t based of society’s standards, or what everybody else determines is right. My relationship with God is based off of what the Bible says.

Do I always have success with coping mechanisms? Nope. I’m currently working on figuring out some that will help with my OCD, so far, the ones that we’ve tried have either not worked, or given me a literal headache. Like with the medications, that just comes with the territory of being a person with mental health conditions. For me, it’s also part of being a Christian. I struggle to find ways to keep a consistent Bible study and prayer life, right now, this blog is the closest I’ve come to being consistent. I am continuously looking up Scripture, to make sure that what I’m saying is Biblically accurate. I’m also pretty consistently conversing with God as I prepare to write what I want to say.

While I’ve never felt guilty about medication changes or needing a multitude of coping mechanisms, I have found myself feeling guilty about the fact that I can’t do a traditional Bible study or have a traditional prayer life. Once I realized that, like my medications and coping mechanisms needed to be tailored to my needs, my relationship with Christ did as well. No, my prayer life and Bible study aren’t perfect, just like my coping mechanisms don’t always work and my medications don’t guarantee a productive and functional day. That’s okay though, because I’m still working on myself and I’m still discovering what works.

My Story

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*This post involves mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and behaviors. If you might find this triggering or upsetting please do not read. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions please seek help. The number for the Suicide Prevention Line is: (800)-273-8255)*

This picture was taken in May of this year while my best friend and I were on a trip together. It’s another in a long line of obligatory selfies the two of us take once a year when we see each other. We’ve know each other for 12 years, and have been best friends for 7 of those 12. She’s the reason I’m here today, and I want to tell that story.

At 13 years old, I was at the lowest point a person could possibly be. I didn’t see a point in living. I saw myself as a burden to my parents. I saw myself as having nobody to count on. Despite being a Christian, I didn’t see how God could even want to love someone as worthless as I was. I was awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin, and quite frankly miserable. While I had “friends,” at that point, I didn’t have someone I truly felt close to who was also female.

So, in February of 2014, I made a plan. I had it so detailed and was so driven to follow through that I even took precautions to cover my tracks so that my parents didn’t find out. By the end of February, I was just waiting for a time that no one else was home in order to go ahead with my plan, but that was harder than I thought it would be. And in effort to keep my plan under wraps, I ended up going to a Teen Retreat for my church’s conference.

I could probably write a book about how the 11 years I spent as a camper were so important to me as a kid, and why they’re still really important to me as an adult. One of the biggest though, is that, my now best friend and I got reacquainted. We talked about anything and everything, and most importantly, we connected. I could tell from that conversation that she wasn’t uncomfortable with my awkwardness, and had the same sense of dry, dark humor that I did. She genuinely liked me for me, and that gave me hope.

Don’t get me wrong, that one night didn’t magically fix everything. But it did start a healing process. We exchanged numbers and kept in contact with each other. She pushed past literally all of my barriers like they were nothing. And over the course of the next few months, the inclination to go through with ending my life stopped. Next, the suicidal thoughts eased. My depression didn’t go away completely, it still hasn’t, but it greatly improved.

I came to realize that a lot of the things that I believed about myself, and honestly believed to be true weren’t. I really wasn’t a burden to my parents. I did in fact have people I could count on, in all actuality I had, and still do have, a pretty amazing support system that I didn’t know how to utilize then, and am still learning how to utilize now.

As a Christian, I’ve come to appreciate how perfect and beautiful the love of God is. God’s love for me never changed, it’s a consistent and unchanging love, that, even when I couldn’t see it, was still working. I wasn’t worthless, I was valuable as a child of God.

Being miserable, awkward, and uncomfortable in my own skin is something that I now attribute to my undiagnosed ADHD, and an abundance of non-ADHD people in my social circle.

So, 7 years later, my best friend and I live in separate states, have majorly different career paths, and in general lead different lives. Yet, that doesn’t matter. We both know that our relationship wasn’t built on proximity, and if one of us needs the other, that person will be there.

I bet some of you are wondering why I made the decision to tell this story. Well, for starters, it’s National Suicide Prevention Month. I want to bring awareness to a topic that is considered taboo in both mainstream and Christian cultures. In addition, because it’s so delicate, I wanted to make it clear that I’m speaking from a place of experience.

Yet, I Keep Going

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My depression is a deep overwhelming sadness that can consume me, and has done that very thing countless times. It steals my joy, my peace, my purpose, my rationale, and so much more. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is my constant companion. No matter how well my meds are working. No matter how hard I work in therapy. It stays. Sometimes, it’s just barely visible, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the most opportune time to strike. Sometimes it’s way too close for comfort and I have to change my entire life to accommodate it. Yet, I keep going

My depression is a liar. It tells me I’m unworthy, unloved, and that I don’t deserve to live. It whispers these lies at any hour it so chooses. I can be on top of the world, and one well placed lie can send me spiraling. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is partially due to a chemical imbalance and genetics. There’s no amount of behavioral therapy that can change that, I just have to accept it. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is partially trauma induced. It reflects the worst moments of my life. I can, and do, actively work on this. There are days I come out of therapy so drained from digging into the depths of the thoughts that I want to sleep for days. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is a representation of everything negative that has ever happened to me. Every snide comment, traumatic event, and argument are all clearly seen in how my depression sees me. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is part of my testimony. It reveals how God saw me at my absolute lowest point, and sent me what I needed in the form of the person I now call my best friend. It’s an ugly part of my testimony that I don’t expect everybody to understand. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is the reason I make an effort to slow down and enjoy nature when I can. Because at one point, everything looked bleak and dull. There was no beauty in the world for me. Sometimes, I find myself slipping back there. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is the reason my faith is so strong. Looking back on all those moments that felt hopeless. Those moments where I felt abandoned, betrayed and unloved God was there, and provided what I needed. That wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t kept going.

My depression represents the worst parts of my life. It also represents how hard I fought to get where I am. It represents the faith I have in Christ to simply keep going every single day. It represents a past that left battle scars, and a future filled with cautious optimism. It represents me. As a human, a friend, and a Christian. It represents that, even when I feel lost and alone, I’m able to keep going because I learned from my past.

I learned to reach out for support, and that it’s okay to show you’re struggling. I learned to lean on the people that care, and lean on God just that much more. While I don’t enjoy all the facets that make up my depression, I do enjoy the outlook it’s given me. I fight harder because of the depression, and that is something to be proud of.

So, if you find yourself depressed, feeling alone, unloved, unwanted, remember to lean just that much more on Christ, to contact your support system and medical professionals. But most importantly remember to keep going.

The Right Way

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“God has a plan.”

“If one door closes, another one opens.”

“This is God’s will.”

We’ve probably all said and heard these phrases countless times. They’re meant as a comfort for those who are hurting. To help ease the pain, and give relief of some kind. Yet for me, as I deal with health challenges both mental and physical, it feels like a slap in the face.

Let me be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with these phrases, I want to simply add a different perspective.

I feel like things like this are often said by people who just don’t know what to say. Or, they feel that they have to say the “right” or Christian thing. Yet, those phrases can leave someone feeling that their issues aren’t being validated, and the person they’re talking to is keeping them at arm’s length.

Growing up, I heard these things a lot, so much in fact that I now refuse to say them to someone as a means of trying to comfort them, at least not in an initial conversation. Instead I focus on using statements that show I see what the person is going through and either do or don’t understand while offering support in a way that still reflects my faith.

For example, to show sympathy I say something like, “Hey, while I don’t know what it feels like to deal with this, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you and praying for you.”

To show empathy it would be more like, “Hey, I’ve dealt with this thing (or something close to it), if you’d like advice, prayer, or just an ear to talk to I’m here.”

Neither of these are taking God out of the situation, but instead, concentrating on offering clear comfort with Him involved. It’s doing a good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

The word “with,” in that verse translates to “amid,” according to Strong’s concordance. (G3326) While I love this entire chapter, it’s that one verse I try to live. Paul wants to remember that we need to be amid people not keeping our distance.

Now, I want you to take a look at all the phrases, which ones put you amid the person suffering? If you chose the ones about sympathy and empathy I’m inclined to agree with you.

There’s a song called Not Right Now, by Jason Gray, that I adore because it shares the point I’m hoping you’ll see. Here’s my favorite verse.

Tell me if the hope that you know is true, 
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend.
When their words are salt in an open wound,
And they just can’t seem to understand
That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet.

We need to learn how to just be still with a person going through hard times. There isn’t always a need to be proper when trying to comfort someone. And often times, that’s not what’s needed. Just allowing that person to feel what they’re going through and sitting with them in silence can often be more healing than anything you could ever say.

A Bit Off the Top

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I debated about what I should write about for my first official blog post. I could go overly deep and spiritual and talk about how damaging the church can be if they don’t take mental health seriously. I could be lighthearted and tell funny stories that my conditions have created. Instead, I went for this.

In late 2019 or early 2020 I decided to grow out my hair. It had been up to the middle of my ear throughout high school, and down to about my chin up from late 2018 onward I was ready for a change. Well, the pandemic hit, and instead of gradually growing it out and getting it trimmed regularly, I ended up not getting it cut for 18 months.

The first picture is a good representation of how I looked at myself. I didn’t know it then, but at the time of that picture being taken, I was about 2 weeks away from a decent mental breakdown. I was exhausted, depressed, and disgusted with myself. I’d been sleeping less than normal for some reason, and so that, in combination with my depression medicine losing effectiveness led me to be more depressed than normal. Finally, I was disgusted with myself. I felt ugly. I couldn’t take care of the long hair. I was too tired/fatigued/depressed to be able to wash, condition, AND brush it every day. It made me feel inadequate. That I couldn’t take care of something so simple.

After my breakdown, a new medicine, and a week spent not being allowed to be alone, I came to the realization that I needed to change something. I needed to put my ADHD-think-outside-the-box hat on and figure out what needed to change. Well, that change ended up being my hair. 6 days after my breakdown, I was hanging out with a few friends, and commented how tired I was of getting my sunglasses stuck in my irritatingly long hair. One of them happened to mention that they had a battery powered shaver, and, two hours later I had a new haircut.

I now feel more like myself than I have in years. One thing helped change the view I had of my appearance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like everything about the way I look, but this went a really long way into boosting my self confidence.

I’m sure some of you are wondering, “How does a really amazing haircut relate to Jesus?” Well, fear not my friends, I have that answer.

Just like making one outward choice changed how I viewed myself, so can making one inward choice. When you accept Christ as your Saviour, you go from living for yourself, to living with a purpose. When new Christians are welcomed into the family of God, their sins are washed away and they are a new creature in Christ. You now have someone to lean on no matter the time of day, someone who will never leave you or forsake you. Someone who loves you no matter your past mistakes. Someone who sees the beautiful broken mess that you are and loves you that much harder. In Christ, we are valued, treasured, and no longer defined by what we think we should be.

If I had to define how having a pretty bad mental breakdown and then shaving 85% of my hair off changed me, this is what I would have to say:

For me, going to the darkest recesses of my mind isn’t something I do often, but when I do, it’s pretty horrible. If it weren’t for Christ, I firmly believe I wouldn’t be able to be here now. The hours that I sat there unable to get rid of thoughts that plagued my nightmares, were also filled with a continuous cry to Jesus. It was a literal battle. I’d slip, and the prayer would start again. I wasn’t even saying anything in those prayers, but Christ knew. He didn’t choose to take them away, He chose to sit with me through them until they were gone. It was the reminder that I needed that no matter what I’m experiencing, no matter who is or isn’t with me in person, Christ will always be.

References:

II Corinthians 5:17 (new creature)

Deuteronomy 31:6 (never leave or forsake you)