Jesus

Life

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This week, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m supposed do/say/believe to make the things going on around me make sense. While I’d love to say that 100% of the time I’m able to gracefully accept God’s answers when I ask him why this stuff is happening, the truth is; I don’t. While a lot of times, I’m able to understand the logic behind Him saying that I just need to be patient, or that I don’t need to know the answer, this is one of those week’s where I so desparatly crave to push past that and beg for more answers. Because if I know the reasons behind how what is happening now will impact the future, I’d totally be set and content.

Let’s get real. That’s never going to happen. We as humans are never just content with the answers we’ve been given. We are consistantly searching to understand more, to have more information, to have more perspectives. Just, more. That’s not how God works though. We, as finite beings tend to forget that, more doesn’t always equal better. Playing more instruments doesn’t mean you’re a better musician. Having more answers doesn’t mean a better outcome.

So, here I sit, wrestling between the logical side of my brain, and the wanting side of my brain. I am logically aware that if I knew all the answers to the questions I’ve been asking I would be so completly overwhelmed and frazzled that I wouldn’t even begin to function. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to selfishly keep pestering God until he changes his mind. So far it hasn’t worked, and I don’t think it will anytime soon. I’m pretty sure God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all the hosts of Heaven are consistently facepalming my attempts because they know that I know better.

This random period in my life where everything seems to be going crazy, wrong, sideways, upside down, and backwards is sucky. It’s hard. I don’t want to deal with all of the things going on at once and still be a functional member of society. But, I am. Well, “functional member of society” is pushing it, but “member of society” is slightly more applicable. Am I thriving off the chaos surrounding me? No. Am I graciously accepting the “not right now” answer God is giving me? I’m trying, but I’m being slightly petulant. Am I consistantly reminding myself that there are going to be things in my life that I can’t handle on my own, but I’m always given a way of escape through God? (I Corinthians 10:13) Yes.

So, instead of drowning in the “I don’t knows” of my life right now, I think I’m going to grab the floaty thingy that is purposly drawing closer to Christ.

Photo by Julia Khalimova on Pexels.com

^ This is the floaty thingy. Google informed me that it’s a lifesaver.

What If?

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In the past couple of weeks, I’ve spent a large portion of time contemplating how I want the world to see me. What kind of Jesus do I show them, and what kind of Jesus do they see? How do they view Christianity as a whole, and how does that compare to the Christianity I show them? What I found wasn’t what I wanted, and I now realize that I have changes to make.

When I was young, it was pretty common to hear the person behind the pulpit to say something like, “Christ should shine through you so much, that when people find out you’re a Christian they’ll say, ‘Oh, that makes sense! I knew there was something different about them.'” The scary thing about that quote is that people are saying it these days for a completly different reason. Christianity is no longer viewed by the world as something to run to, it’s something to run from.

Why? Becuase we as Christians get so wrapped up in the semantics of church practices, lingo, and mannerisms that we forget how to do half of what Christ commanded us to do: love. We get angry with other Christians over semantics. We protest abortion clinics and are quick to judge and yell at those going in them. We are quick to point out that everybody who who doesn’t look, talk, or believe like us is going straight to Hell without even passing “Go”. We tell people that the media they consume, the version of the Bible they read, the church they go to, the way they dress, or even the way they wear their hair are all sins, because that’s what we believe.

All of that amounts to us talking about God’s grace and love while we’re holding a stone in our hands ready to put a person to death. When did we determine that was okay? When did we determine that yelling, and anger, and judgement were what will lead people to Christ. When did we stop showing compassion? When did we stop comforting those who hurt? When did we stop being the hands and feet of Christ? Whatever that answer is, it’s caused the world to run away from us, they’d rather go anywhere else than to the cross of Christ, because of how Christians have been portraying it.

I don’t know about you, but the idea of people being opposed to Jesus because of my actions is terrifying; so it’s time to change.

I said earlier that we forgot how to do half of what Christ commanded, which is simply to love. Let’s dig into that. In Matthew 21 and 22 the religious leaders were gunning for Christ. He had thrown the money changers out of the temple in (righteous) anger (Matthew 21:12-13). The religious leaders weren’t a fan of that, and set out to trap him. They asked him question after question, trying to get him to mess up and, he evaded them seamlessly. Then this happened:

But when the Pharisees heard that he had put the Sadduccees to silence, they were gathered together. Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying Master which is the great commandment in the law? And Jesus said unto him. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul with all thy mind, This is the first and the great commandment. The second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 22:34-40

One of my favorite things about this passage is that the lawyer thought he was being smart about the whole thing, and Jesus was like: “Hey let’s sum up the Ten Commandments in two sentences and tell them that all of the other stuff that they’re stuck on hangs on those two.” But that’s not even the best part. The best part is found in the word “love.” In these two verses, the word “love” is from the Greek “agapao” (G25) which is described as the love that God has for us. It’s a perfect self-sacrificing love.

Let’s take that a step further, how did Christ SHOW us how to love when he interacted with people? Think about it. Time after time after time we see Christ interact with those the most religious deemed the most despicable, and time after time after time we see him being kind, gentle, and compassionate, even when confronting them about their sin. The only time Christ even remotely gets angry or upset is when he’s dealing with the religious leaders who should have known better.

Back to those examples in the beginning. How is getting angry with Christians over semantics loving our neighbor? What if we stopped arguing and started communicating enough to realize that we’re not all going to agree on everything? What if, instead of protesting abortion clinics and harassing the people going in, we pray for them, direct them to women’s centers that provide education and resources to raise a child? What if instead of freaking out because someone doesn’t read the same version of the Bible we do, we take time to teach them how to study? What if, instead of worrying about all those church practices, and lingo we remembered how to enjoy the grace and love that we were given?

The Church and Suicide

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I’m going to be honest, in the churches I’ve attended and the sermons I’ve listened to, even outside those churches, I don’t think I’ve heard a sermon on suicide or mental health in general. In fact, the only mentions of suicide I remember hearing in a sermon were those of a spiritual aspect, in that it was a sin and the person would go to Hell.

I don’t know if those positions hold truth, so I’m not going to speak as to whether they do or don’t, but I do know that if the goal is to help and reach someone who is suicidal, there are more beneficial ways to go about it.

Pastors and Teachers:

As I said before, in my experience, suicide isn’t talked about in the church, and if it is, it’s presented in a way that can make those struggling to stay afloat feel like the suicidal thoughts and ideations they’re having are solely their fault and that they did something wrong to cause these things to happen.

While I’m sure sin has the propensity to cause those things, there are a host of other things that cause suicidal thoughts and ideations that have no relation to sin. And simply saying that suicide is sin, selfish, wrong, etc., is only going to be harmful and could possibly be a catalyst that propels a person to attempt to end their life.

To clarify, suicide and it’s ideations aren’t selfish. If a person is struggling with these ideations, there’s a good chance that their reasons are to ease someone else’s pain. They may see themselves as a burden, or liability whether physically, mentally, or financially. Please, please, keep this in mind when you, as a person in authority, speak on this subject.

Normalize Mental Health in your Church

That doesn’t necessarily have to be doing grandiose actions. It can look like making a point to say that things like depression and anxiety can be caused by sin and by other factors like trauma and genetics and clarifying to which one you are speaking to. While this isn’t directly related to suicide, this could put the people struggling at ease to know that you see the distinction between sin related mental health and medical related mental health and thus possibly make themselves more open to come to you.

Know your Limits in a Counseling Capacity

As people who are often sought out for advice, it’s really important to know when you need to advise someone to seek help for their issue when it’s more than you are qualified for, or have experience with. Suicide isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and since suicidal thoughts are intrusive (meaning that a person has no control over them), you’ve got to be careful about how you approach someone dealing with them. Yes, by all means pray for them. Yes, by all means, if you have experience with this share it. Yes, if you have knowledge on how to help them go for it, but also don’t be hesitant to direct them to a medical professional or organization who would be better equipped to help them.

Christians in General

Listen

Don’t jump in with a churchy saying or Bible verse that helped you right away. Just listen to what the person is trying to say. If you’ve been trusted with someone opening up to you about suicidal thoughts and ideations, take it as a privilege. Don’t rush to give them an anecdote, just try to hear what they are saying. Ask questions for clarification, but don’t negate their beliefs or experiences, just be there, and be kind.

(Of course, if the danger is imminent, please contact the proper authorities and/or a suicide hotline.)

Follow Through

One of the most important things you can do for a person who is struggling with this, as a Christian, is keep your word. If you offer to call them or visit them daily/weekly/monthly etc., do it. If you offer to pray for them, do it. Knowing that they have one person in their corner can literally change their entire world, please take that seriously.

I get this topic is controversial, uncomfortable, and downright scary. As someone who has lived through those ideations, I can confirm that it’s terrifying to open up and express what you’re feeling. It’s also terrifying to have those things expressed to you, and that’s perfectly okay. If you get anything from this series, I want it to be that kindness, honesty, and openness can go a long way in helping people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations.

Brothers and Prosthetics

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Has anybody else ever been told not to ask God why something was happening? Growing up a church kid I heard that in various forms a lot. It’s like asking that question was ever only seen as questioning God’s authority, and never seen as seeking understanding. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times where I’ve strayed into the former, but most of the time I just want to understand. There’s one person that I can thank for helping me understand the difference: my grandfather.

He’s the reason I hold this position about asking God “why.” You see, when I was no more than 8, I was so excited to share about Salvation, and what God was doing in my life, my wonderful grandfather wasn’t having any of it. He looked at me and posed two questions that I didn’t have the answers to. “If God is so good, why did he take your brother? And if He’s so good, why’d He take my leg?” I know, harsh right? That was him though. He was gruff, blunt, and harsh even with his grandkids, but that wasn’t all of who he was. He loved his grandkids, a good western novel, and to make us laugh. So, while yeah, he was blunt to me, I respect that, because that’s the type of person I am to an extent.

At 8, I didn’t have the answers to those questions, and I wouldn’t for another 10 years. I’d always wondered the same thing about my brother. My parents had us via IVF after suffering difficulties with pregnancy beforehand. My mom had to have an emergency C-section when we were 28 weeks along because both she and my brother were sick. I showed up weighing in at 1lb 15oz, my brother was smaller, and after only an hour he died. I on the other hand spent 92 days in the NICU, having two surgeries before I was released within a day or so of my due date.

If you haven’t figured it out, my grandfather wasn’t the type of man who strayed away from asking what he needed to. Those two questions were probably asked with a dual purpose. He wanted to get me to stop talking about something that was a sore subject for him, and he also genuinely wanted to know the answer. He lost the lower half of his right leg several years before I was born due to a work accident involving high amounts of electricity. He dealt with the painful results up until the day he died. He never understood why the God who claimed to be so loving and kind would allow those awful things to happen.

I don’t think he was ever able to get those answers on this side of eternity, but I know he has them now. In 2013, he ended up hospitalized for two weeks due to COPD complications. During his stay, a dear friend of ours led him to the Lord. I no longer had to worry about his salvation, but I also never had the answers to those questions. On Mother’s Day 2017, the COPD finally took him. The next day, I sat at our kitchen table, trying to write something to say at his memorial on Tuesday. I sat there and stared at that blank screen for a long time, nothing I could think to say felt right. Then I did what I should have done in the first place. I asked God for guidance. The words flowed freely after that, and I finally got the answers. And in that speech, I was finally able to give the answers I’d spent years waiting for.

God allowed my brother to die because his life here would have been miserable, he would have been ill and his life would have only been sickness, pain, and suffering. As for my grandfather’s leg? God sometimes allows the bad things in so that later, they can be used in a way that shows His glory. I got my answers when I needed them, and not a second sooner.

I tell this story to make a point. If my grandfather had never posed those questions to me in such a way, I highly doubt my relationship with God would be where it is now. You see, him being himself, and asking the hard questions, made me start asking the hard questions. It had me examining my relationship with Christ, in a way that I don’t think was otherwise possible.

My uncle is famous for saying, “God always answers your questions in one of three ways. He says ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘wait’.” I think people stray away from asking God, “why,” because they think that it may be questioning God’s divinity and plan. If that’s your reason, you’re right, but for others, it may not. My grandfather asking me those questions put me on a path to understand the difference between questioning God’s plan and seeking understanding.

My grandfather wanted to understand why these things happened, and so he asked the questions he thought would get him the answers he was looking for thinking that he would always get the answers he wanted. That’s not how God works. I learned from him, and it has changed my life.

At some point I stopped doubting that God’s choices were the right ones, and I started being content in the choices that He made. When I realized that there was peace in whatever answer I was given, my life became a little bit less chaotic.

A Bit Off the Top

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I debated about what I should write about for my first official blog post. I could go overly deep and spiritual and talk about how damaging the church can be if they don’t take mental health seriously. I could be lighthearted and tell funny stories that my conditions have created. Instead, I went for this.

In late 2019 or early 2020 I decided to grow out my hair. It had been up to the middle of my ear throughout high school, and down to about my chin up from late 2018 onward I was ready for a change. Well, the pandemic hit, and instead of gradually growing it out and getting it trimmed regularly, I ended up not getting it cut for 18 months.

The first picture is a good representation of how I looked at myself. I didn’t know it then, but at the time of that picture being taken, I was about 2 weeks away from a decent mental breakdown. I was exhausted, depressed, and disgusted with myself. I’d been sleeping less than normal for some reason, and so that, in combination with my depression medicine losing effectiveness led me to be more depressed than normal. Finally, I was disgusted with myself. I felt ugly. I couldn’t take care of the long hair. I was too tired/fatigued/depressed to be able to wash, condition, AND brush it every day. It made me feel inadequate. That I couldn’t take care of something so simple.

After my breakdown, a new medicine, and a week spent not being allowed to be alone, I came to the realization that I needed to change something. I needed to put my ADHD-think-outside-the-box hat on and figure out what needed to change. Well, that change ended up being my hair. 6 days after my breakdown, I was hanging out with a few friends, and commented how tired I was of getting my sunglasses stuck in my irritatingly long hair. One of them happened to mention that they had a battery powered shaver, and, two hours later I had a new haircut.

I now feel more like myself than I have in years. One thing helped change the view I had of my appearance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like everything about the way I look, but this went a really long way into boosting my self confidence.

I’m sure some of you are wondering, “How does a really amazing haircut relate to Jesus?” Well, fear not my friends, I have that answer.

Just like making one outward choice changed how I viewed myself, so can making one inward choice. When you accept Christ as your Saviour, you go from living for yourself, to living with a purpose. When new Christians are welcomed into the family of God, their sins are washed away and they are a new creature in Christ. You now have someone to lean on no matter the time of day, someone who will never leave you or forsake you. Someone who loves you no matter your past mistakes. Someone who sees the beautiful broken mess that you are and loves you that much harder. In Christ, we are valued, treasured, and no longer defined by what we think we should be.

If I had to define how having a pretty bad mental breakdown and then shaving 85% of my hair off changed me, this is what I would have to say:

For me, going to the darkest recesses of my mind isn’t something I do often, but when I do, it’s pretty horrible. If it weren’t for Christ, I firmly believe I wouldn’t be able to be here now. The hours that I sat there unable to get rid of thoughts that plagued my nightmares, were also filled with a continuous cry to Jesus. It was a literal battle. I’d slip, and the prayer would start again. I wasn’t even saying anything in those prayers, but Christ knew. He didn’t choose to take them away, He chose to sit with me through them until they were gone. It was the reminder that I needed that no matter what I’m experiencing, no matter who is or isn’t with me in person, Christ will always be.

References:

II Corinthians 5:17 (new creature)

Deuteronomy 31:6 (never leave or forsake you)