depression

My Story

/ alphabetsoupandjesus / 1 Comment

*This post involves mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and behaviors. If you might find this triggering or upsetting please do not read. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions please seek help. The number for the Suicide Prevention Line is: (800)-273-8255)*

This picture was taken in May of this year while my best friend and I were on a trip together. It’s another in a long line of obligatory selfies the two of us take once a year when we see each other. We’ve know each other for 12 years, and have been best friends for 7 of those 12. She’s the reason I’m here today, and I want to tell that story.

At 13 years old, I was at the lowest point a person could possibly be. I didn’t see a point in living. I saw myself as a burden to my parents. I saw myself as having nobody to count on. Despite being a Christian, I didn’t see how God could even want to love someone as worthless as I was. I was awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin, and quite frankly miserable. While I had “friends,” at that point, I didn’t have someone I truly felt close to who was also female.

So, in February of 2014, I made a plan. I had it so detailed and was so driven to follow through that I even took precautions to cover my tracks so that my parents didn’t find out. By the end of February, I was just waiting for a time that no one else was home in order to go ahead with my plan, but that was harder than I thought it would be. And in effort to keep my plan under wraps, I ended up going to a Teen Retreat for my church’s conference.

I could probably write a book about how the 11 years I spent as a camper were so important to me as a kid, and why they’re still really important to me as an adult. One of the biggest though, is that, my now best friend and I got reacquainted. We talked about anything and everything, and most importantly, we connected. I could tell from that conversation that she wasn’t uncomfortable with my awkwardness, and had the same sense of dry, dark humor that I did. She genuinely liked me for me, and that gave me hope.

Don’t get me wrong, that one night didn’t magically fix everything. But it did start a healing process. We exchanged numbers and kept in contact with each other. She pushed past literally all of my barriers like they were nothing. And over the course of the next few months, the inclination to go through with ending my life stopped. Next, the suicidal thoughts eased. My depression didn’t go away completely, it still hasn’t, but it greatly improved.

I came to realize that a lot of the things that I believed about myself, and honestly believed to be true weren’t. I really wasn’t a burden to my parents. I did in fact have people I could count on, in all actuality I had, and still do have, a pretty amazing support system that I didn’t know how to utilize then, and am still learning how to utilize now.

As a Christian, I’ve come to appreciate how perfect and beautiful the love of God is. God’s love for me never changed, it’s a consistent and unchanging love, that, even when I couldn’t see it, was still working. I wasn’t worthless, I was valuable as a child of God.

Being miserable, awkward, and uncomfortable in my own skin is something that I now attribute to my undiagnosed ADHD, and an abundance of non-ADHD people in my social circle.

So, 7 years later, my best friend and I live in separate states, have majorly different career paths, and in general lead different lives. Yet, that doesn’t matter. We both know that our relationship wasn’t built on proximity, and if one of us needs the other, that person will be there.

I bet some of you are wondering why I made the decision to tell this story. Well, for starters, it’s National Suicide Prevention Month. I want to bring awareness to a topic that is considered taboo in both mainstream and Christian cultures. In addition, because it’s so delicate, I wanted to make it clear that I’m speaking from a place of experience.

Yet, I Keep Going

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My depression is a deep overwhelming sadness that can consume me, and has done that very thing countless times. It steals my joy, my peace, my purpose, my rationale, and so much more. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is my constant companion. No matter how well my meds are working. No matter how hard I work in therapy. It stays. Sometimes, it’s just barely visible, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the most opportune time to strike. Sometimes it’s way too close for comfort and I have to change my entire life to accommodate it. Yet, I keep going

My depression is a liar. It tells me I’m unworthy, unloved, and that I don’t deserve to live. It whispers these lies at any hour it so chooses. I can be on top of the world, and one well placed lie can send me spiraling. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is partially due to a chemical imbalance and genetics. There’s no amount of behavioral therapy that can change that, I just have to accept it. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is partially trauma induced. It reflects the worst moments of my life. I can, and do, actively work on this. There are days I come out of therapy so drained from digging into the depths of the thoughts that I want to sleep for days. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is a representation of everything negative that has ever happened to me. Every snide comment, traumatic event, and argument are all clearly seen in how my depression sees me. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is part of my testimony. It reveals how God saw me at my absolute lowest point, and sent me what I needed in the form of the person I now call my best friend. It’s an ugly part of my testimony that I don’t expect everybody to understand. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is the reason I make an effort to slow down and enjoy nature when I can. Because at one point, everything looked bleak and dull. There was no beauty in the world for me. Sometimes, I find myself slipping back there. Yet, I keep going.

My depression is the reason my faith is so strong. Looking back on all those moments that felt hopeless. Those moments where I felt abandoned, betrayed and unloved God was there, and provided what I needed. That wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t kept going.

My depression represents the worst parts of my life. It also represents how hard I fought to get where I am. It represents the faith I have in Christ to simply keep going every single day. It represents a past that left battle scars, and a future filled with cautious optimism. It represents me. As a human, a friend, and a Christian. It represents that, even when I feel lost and alone, I’m able to keep going because I learned from my past.

I learned to reach out for support, and that it’s okay to show you’re struggling. I learned to lean on the people that care, and lean on God just that much more. While I don’t enjoy all the facets that make up my depression, I do enjoy the outlook it’s given me. I fight harder because of the depression, and that is something to be proud of.

So, if you find yourself depressed, feeling alone, unloved, unwanted, remember to lean just that much more on Christ, to contact your support system and medical professionals. But most importantly remember to keep going.