Christianity

Death and Taxes

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Can we talk about the “tax” that comes with having things like ADHD, depression, or chronic illness? It’s honestly one of the most debilitating things that comes with having a disorder or illness, because you don’t realize what your “tax” is until you’re paying it.

Sometimes, it’s monetary. For example, I’m currently wearing earbuds that I thought I lost a month ago, and therefore, replaced. After the new earbuds arrived, I went looking for a notebook, and found the old ones under the book I’m currently reading. (It’s called the Anthropocene Reviewed) It’s now too late to return the new ones, so I’ve essentially wasted the money that could have been spent on better things or saved but, hey, at least I have an extra pair when these get permanently lost.

Sometimes, it’s pain. It’s pretty common for my arms and legs to ache. Sometimes, stretching them out helps alleviate some of the pain, sometimes it just makes it worse. Sometimes, movement of any kind makes me want to curl up in fetal position and never move again. It just depends on the day. In order to still be a functioning member of society, I have to pick and choose what I do and when. If I’m having a pain day that is triggered by movement, I know that the work I get done has to not be over the top. So that may be the day I decide to work on emails and homework rather than deep clean my bedroom.

Sometimes the tax is mental/social. If I do a socially taxing thing on a Saturday, I may need to stay home from church on Sunday because my ability to filter social interactions and my energy level is depleted.

On the days I stay home from church, I find myself feeling guilty. I guess it’s the years of believing that in order to be a good Christian, I had to be in church every single time it was open. I have to remind myself, that, Scripture doesn’t say I have to attend church every single time it happens. The writer of Hebrews says to, “not forsake the assembly of the body,” (Hebrews 10:25) the word “forsake,” means to completely abandon. That verse doesn’t mean you have to attend every single time the doors are open. It means you shouldn’t turn your back on worshiping with the body of believers. Yes, corporate worship is good, I enjoy it, yet, I know that mentally, it’s draining for me as an introvert, and as person with anxiety and ADHD. The Bible makes clear that we need to take care of ourselves, as our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit. (I Corinthians 6:19) So, when I make the choice to stay home, I’m making the choice to take care of myself, because I know that going to church would do more harm to me, rather than feed me spiritually.

That isn’t to say I don’t find ways to listen and study, in fact, I’m currently writing this while listening to one of my favorite pastors teach on a topic I find fascinating. I’m able to learn and spend time in Scripture, while also helping my brain and body decompress from a taxing week.

My point is simply this: Nobody on this planet lives tax free; and for people with mental health conditions and chronic illness, those taxes can also be found in and amongst our lives in ways healthy people may not realize. It’s okay if you’re not doing all the things that society tells you to do. One of the hardest lessons that I’m learning is that society isn’t living my life and the choices I make need to be best for me, not society.

The Mirror

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I don’t enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, there was a period of time in my life where I couldn’t stand it and would avoid it at every conceivable cost. It wasn’t until recently that I could tolerate even looking in the mirror with the intent of looking at myself.

As an adult, I’m just now figuring out how to appreciate myself for who I am. But it isn’t easy.

I’ve nailed down why though.

First, it comes down to how the medical professionals in my life handled the fact I was overweight as a child and into my teenage years. For most of my preteen/teen years, I’ve been too “fat” for my height. Diet and exercise were never a forgotten topic at annual physicals, and it was always frowned down upon to express the difficulty of those things.

“You just need to try harder.”

“You’re not motivated enough.”

“[Insert food] tastes just the same as [insert food].” (It never did. That’s a lie)

“You just need to stay within your calorie limit.”

“Having anything remotely unhealthy is a treat that can only happen like once or twice a week, and even that needs to be lessened after a period of time.”

Do you know what all those things led to? A still overweight me and really unhealthy and disordered relationship with food. Despite me trying to convey that I had trouble maintaining any semblance of energy, or any motivation in general, medical professionals didn’t seem to listen very well.

You know what? That’s not okay. Because what they did was take a look at a number on the scale and determined that all issues I was experiencing were related to it. Everything could only be solved by a “healthy” weight, diet and exercise.

Screw that. Because of that number on a scale I went most of my middle and high school years with awful self-image and and the idea that all the things wrong with me were my fault.

The reality?

The executive function caused by my ADHD makes it hard to start and finish tasks. Especially when they’re tasks that I don’t necessarily want to do.

The Narcolepsy and Endometriosis make energy really hard to come by.

The Depression makes simply functioning that much more difficult.

I needed someone to listen to me, and all I really got was frustration and body shaming.

The other reason? Toxic “Biblical” teachings.

When you’re told enough times that overeating is a sin because you’re not taking care of your body, that does horrible things for your self-image and relationship with Christ.

When you’re told that you need to fit a certain standard in body and appearance in order to be “wanted” as a Christian woman, that does jack for your self-image and makes you wonder if you’re every going to be “wanted.”

When you’re shown that if you don’t follow these certain dress standards, you’re immodest and sinning, it hurts how you perceive yourself and makes you double and triple check that you’re not sinning; which, only increases the anxiety you’re already feeling.

When you’re told that you have to cover up because it “could” cause someone of the male gender to “stumble” it makes it clear that a man’s ability to keep it in his pants is more important than how you view yourself as a human being. And that you yourself aren’t nearly as important as those of the opposite sex.

When you’re told that wearing things that make you feel good about yourself for that reason alone makes you vain, it makes you want to run away from all those things and focus on not doing anything to be considered vain because God forbid, someone have another reason to judge you.

The worst part? Most of these can be attributed to someone else’s personal beliefs and not something concrete in Scripture.

But despite all of that, I grew. Now, I wear jeans that accent my features, that make me feel confident in who I am as a person.

I wear my hair in a way that gives me confidence, and doesn’t make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin because it’s consistently touching my ears and neck.

And you know what? I keep my weight what it is because I can, and because I’d rather spend my time on this earth loving myself for who I am, and not for a standard perceived by society. And on the days when I feel bad about it? I remember that one of the kids I watch said they love to snuggle with me because “your belly is soft and squishy like a pillow.” If that isn’t a good reason I don’t know what is.

Failure to Function

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I’m not going to lie, if it weren’t for my medication, I wouldn’t be nearly as functional as I am now. It does everything from easing my ADHD symptoms, to helping my brain rationally work through a problem in a situation where, if I were unmedicated, my anxiety might not allow me to use rationale. But, medication isn’t perfect.

Yeah, my ADHD symptoms are eased by the medicine I take for my ADHD, but it took 2 years, and several medicine changes, to get to that point. In addition, my symptoms sometimes win the battle. There have been days where, despite all the medicine, coping skills, and loopholes, my executive dysfunction still has me unable to do anything productive, and my thoughts are flying so fast I feel like a radio that is permanently on “seek,” with no end in sight.

My depression medicine helps with my depression, anxiety and OCD, but it’s not perfect. Not only have I had to try different medications, since I first started taking them at 17, because either the side effects are too rough, or my body just gets used to them, but sometimes, even when they are working, it’s not enough. So, sometimes I have to run. (Not literally. If you see me running that’s because there’s probably something chasing me and you should be running too.) I have to hop in my car and drive until I get to one of my favorite nature spots. Once there, I climb in the back of my 2005 CRV, put in my earplugs that dampen noise and I just sit.

When I’m there, I’m able to breathe. All the worries about family drama, the anxiety that I’m not doing this “life” thing right, the feeling the need to be aggravated at every tiny thing that’s been bugging me; all of that can just leave. There, I can just sit, I can just exist without fear or worry. It’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms are psychological strategies or adaptations done to relieve stress. (dictionary.com) For Christians, that can look like prayer, quoting Scripture, or worship, it can also look like breathing techniques, having to put your back against a wall, relying on your 5 senses to calm you down etc. Coping mechanisms don’t have to have a Christian theme. For me, I’ve realized that what I’m trying to cope with matters greatly as to what type of coping mechanism I use. For example, to help me get through the flashbacks that I’d get when I pass the place where I flipped my car, I wave and say, “Hi” to the spot. Yes, it looks and is odd, but it was something I started doing as a joke, but realized that it helped me acknowledge the fact that I had the accident, but I’m not currently in the accident. Since then, my flashbacks have been greatly reduced. Would that work for dealing with my anxiety as to whether or not I’m a “good enough,” Christian? No. I deal with that anxiety by reminding myself of the fact that my relationship with God isn’t based of society’s standards, or what everybody else determines is right. My relationship with God is based off of what the Bible says.

Do I always have success with coping mechanisms? Nope. I’m currently working on figuring out some that will help with my OCD, so far, the ones that we’ve tried have either not worked, or given me a literal headache. Like with the medications, that just comes with the territory of being a person with mental health conditions. For me, it’s also part of being a Christian. I struggle to find ways to keep a consistent Bible study and prayer life, right now, this blog is the closest I’ve come to being consistent. I am continuously looking up Scripture, to make sure that what I’m saying is Biblically accurate. I’m also pretty consistently conversing with God as I prepare to write what I want to say.

While I’ve never felt guilty about medication changes or needing a multitude of coping mechanisms, I have found myself feeling guilty about the fact that I can’t do a traditional Bible study or have a traditional prayer life. Once I realized that, like my medications and coping mechanisms needed to be tailored to my needs, my relationship with Christ did as well. No, my prayer life and Bible study aren’t perfect, just like my coping mechanisms don’t always work and my medications don’t guarantee a productive and functional day. That’s okay though, because I’m still working on myself and I’m still discovering what works.

Life

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This week, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m supposed do/say/believe to make the things going on around me make sense. While I’d love to say that 100% of the time I’m able to gracefully accept God’s answers when I ask him why this stuff is happening, the truth is; I don’t. While a lot of times, I’m able to understand the logic behind Him saying that I just need to be patient, or that I don’t need to know the answer, this is one of those week’s where I so desparatly crave to push past that and beg for more answers. Because if I know the reasons behind how what is happening now will impact the future, I’d totally be set and content.

Let’s get real. That’s never going to happen. We as humans are never just content with the answers we’ve been given. We are consistantly searching to understand more, to have more information, to have more perspectives. Just, more. That’s not how God works though. We, as finite beings tend to forget that, more doesn’t always equal better. Playing more instruments doesn’t mean you’re a better musician. Having more answers doesn’t mean a better outcome.

So, here I sit, wrestling between the logical side of my brain, and the wanting side of my brain. I am logically aware that if I knew all the answers to the questions I’ve been asking I would be so completly overwhelmed and frazzled that I wouldn’t even begin to function. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to selfishly keep pestering God until he changes his mind. So far it hasn’t worked, and I don’t think it will anytime soon. I’m pretty sure God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all the hosts of Heaven are consistently facepalming my attempts because they know that I know better.

This random period in my life where everything seems to be going crazy, wrong, sideways, upside down, and backwards is sucky. It’s hard. I don’t want to deal with all of the things going on at once and still be a functional member of society. But, I am. Well, “functional member of society” is pushing it, but “member of society” is slightly more applicable. Am I thriving off the chaos surrounding me? No. Am I graciously accepting the “not right now” answer God is giving me? I’m trying, but I’m being slightly petulant. Am I consistantly reminding myself that there are going to be things in my life that I can’t handle on my own, but I’m always given a way of escape through God? (I Corinthians 10:13) Yes.

So, instead of drowning in the “I don’t knows” of my life right now, I think I’m going to grab the floaty thingy that is purposly drawing closer to Christ.

Photo by Julia Khalimova on Pexels.com

^ This is the floaty thingy. Google informed me that it’s a lifesaver.

What If?

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In the past couple of weeks, I’ve spent a large portion of time contemplating how I want the world to see me. What kind of Jesus do I show them, and what kind of Jesus do they see? How do they view Christianity as a whole, and how does that compare to the Christianity I show them? What I found wasn’t what I wanted, and I now realize that I have changes to make.

When I was young, it was pretty common to hear the person behind the pulpit to say something like, “Christ should shine through you so much, that when people find out you’re a Christian they’ll say, ‘Oh, that makes sense! I knew there was something different about them.'” The scary thing about that quote is that people are saying it these days for a completly different reason. Christianity is no longer viewed by the world as something to run to, it’s something to run from.

Why? Becuase we as Christians get so wrapped up in the semantics of church practices, lingo, and mannerisms that we forget how to do half of what Christ commanded us to do: love. We get angry with other Christians over semantics. We protest abortion clinics and are quick to judge and yell at those going in them. We are quick to point out that everybody who who doesn’t look, talk, or believe like us is going straight to Hell without even passing “Go”. We tell people that the media they consume, the version of the Bible they read, the church they go to, the way they dress, or even the way they wear their hair are all sins, because that’s what we believe.

All of that amounts to us talking about God’s grace and love while we’re holding a stone in our hands ready to put a person to death. When did we determine that was okay? When did we determine that yelling, and anger, and judgement were what will lead people to Christ. When did we stop showing compassion? When did we stop comforting those who hurt? When did we stop being the hands and feet of Christ? Whatever that answer is, it’s caused the world to run away from us, they’d rather go anywhere else than to the cross of Christ, because of how Christians have been portraying it.

I don’t know about you, but the idea of people being opposed to Jesus because of my actions is terrifying; so it’s time to change.

I said earlier that we forgot how to do half of what Christ commanded, which is simply to love. Let’s dig into that. In Matthew 21 and 22 the religious leaders were gunning for Christ. He had thrown the money changers out of the temple in (righteous) anger (Matthew 21:12-13). The religious leaders weren’t a fan of that, and set out to trap him. They asked him question after question, trying to get him to mess up and, he evaded them seamlessly. Then this happened:

But when the Pharisees heard that he had put the Sadduccees to silence, they were gathered together. Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying Master which is the great commandment in the law? And Jesus said unto him. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul with all thy mind, This is the first and the great commandment. The second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 22:34-40

One of my favorite things about this passage is that the lawyer thought he was being smart about the whole thing, and Jesus was like: “Hey let’s sum up the Ten Commandments in two sentences and tell them that all of the other stuff that they’re stuck on hangs on those two.” But that’s not even the best part. The best part is found in the word “love.” In these two verses, the word “love” is from the Greek “agapao” (G25) which is described as the love that God has for us. It’s a perfect self-sacrificing love.

Let’s take that a step further, how did Christ SHOW us how to love when he interacted with people? Think about it. Time after time after time we see Christ interact with those the most religious deemed the most despicable, and time after time after time we see him being kind, gentle, and compassionate, even when confronting them about their sin. The only time Christ even remotely gets angry or upset is when he’s dealing with the religious leaders who should have known better.

Back to those examples in the beginning. How is getting angry with Christians over semantics loving our neighbor? What if we stopped arguing and started communicating enough to realize that we’re not all going to agree on everything? What if, instead of protesting abortion clinics and harassing the people going in, we pray for them, direct them to women’s centers that provide education and resources to raise a child? What if instead of freaking out because someone doesn’t read the same version of the Bible we do, we take time to teach them how to study? What if, instead of worrying about all those church practices, and lingo we remembered how to enjoy the grace and love that we were given?

The Church and Suicide

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I’m going to be honest, in the churches I’ve attended and the sermons I’ve listened to, even outside those churches, I don’t think I’ve heard a sermon on suicide or mental health in general. In fact, the only mentions of suicide I remember hearing in a sermon were those of a spiritual aspect, in that it was a sin and the person would go to Hell.

I don’t know if those positions hold truth, so I’m not going to speak as to whether they do or don’t, but I do know that if the goal is to help and reach someone who is suicidal, there are more beneficial ways to go about it.

Pastors and Teachers:

As I said before, in my experience, suicide isn’t talked about in the church, and if it is, it’s presented in a way that can make those struggling to stay afloat feel like the suicidal thoughts and ideations they’re having are solely their fault and that they did something wrong to cause these things to happen.

While I’m sure sin has the propensity to cause those things, there are a host of other things that cause suicidal thoughts and ideations that have no relation to sin. And simply saying that suicide is sin, selfish, wrong, etc., is only going to be harmful and could possibly be a catalyst that propels a person to attempt to end their life.

To clarify, suicide and it’s ideations aren’t selfish. If a person is struggling with these ideations, there’s a good chance that their reasons are to ease someone else’s pain. They may see themselves as a burden, or liability whether physically, mentally, or financially. Please, please, keep this in mind when you, as a person in authority, speak on this subject.

Normalize Mental Health in your Church

That doesn’t necessarily have to be doing grandiose actions. It can look like making a point to say that things like depression and anxiety can be caused by sin and by other factors like trauma and genetics and clarifying to which one you are speaking to. While this isn’t directly related to suicide, this could put the people struggling at ease to know that you see the distinction between sin related mental health and medical related mental health and thus possibly make themselves more open to come to you.

Know your Limits in a Counseling Capacity

As people who are often sought out for advice, it’s really important to know when you need to advise someone to seek help for their issue when it’s more than you are qualified for, or have experience with. Suicide isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and since suicidal thoughts are intrusive (meaning that a person has no control over them), you’ve got to be careful about how you approach someone dealing with them. Yes, by all means pray for them. Yes, by all means, if you have experience with this share it. Yes, if you have knowledge on how to help them go for it, but also don’t be hesitant to direct them to a medical professional or organization who would be better equipped to help them.

Christians in General

Listen

Don’t jump in with a churchy saying or Bible verse that helped you right away. Just listen to what the person is trying to say. If you’ve been trusted with someone opening up to you about suicidal thoughts and ideations, take it as a privilege. Don’t rush to give them an anecdote, just try to hear what they are saying. Ask questions for clarification, but don’t negate their beliefs or experiences, just be there, and be kind.

(Of course, if the danger is imminent, please contact the proper authorities and/or a suicide hotline.)

Follow Through

One of the most important things you can do for a person who is struggling with this, as a Christian, is keep your word. If you offer to call them or visit them daily/weekly/monthly etc., do it. If you offer to pray for them, do it. Knowing that they have one person in their corner can literally change their entire world, please take that seriously.

I get this topic is controversial, uncomfortable, and downright scary. As someone who has lived through those ideations, I can confirm that it’s terrifying to open up and express what you’re feeling. It’s also terrifying to have those things expressed to you, and that’s perfectly okay. If you get anything from this series, I want it to be that kindness, honesty, and openness can go a long way in helping people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations.

My Story

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*This post involves mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and behaviors. If you might find this triggering or upsetting please do not read. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions please seek help. The number for the Suicide Prevention Line is: (800)-273-8255)*

This picture was taken in May of this year while my best friend and I were on a trip together. It’s another in a long line of obligatory selfies the two of us take once a year when we see each other. We’ve know each other for 12 years, and have been best friends for 7 of those 12. She’s the reason I’m here today, and I want to tell that story.

At 13 years old, I was at the lowest point a person could possibly be. I didn’t see a point in living. I saw myself as a burden to my parents. I saw myself as having nobody to count on. Despite being a Christian, I didn’t see how God could even want to love someone as worthless as I was. I was awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin, and quite frankly miserable. While I had “friends,” at that point, I didn’t have someone I truly felt close to who was also female.

So, in February of 2014, I made a plan. I had it so detailed and was so driven to follow through that I even took precautions to cover my tracks so that my parents didn’t find out. By the end of February, I was just waiting for a time that no one else was home in order to go ahead with my plan, but that was harder than I thought it would be. And in effort to keep my plan under wraps, I ended up going to a Teen Retreat for my church’s conference.

I could probably write a book about how the 11 years I spent as a camper were so important to me as a kid, and why they’re still really important to me as an adult. One of the biggest though, is that, my now best friend and I got reacquainted. We talked about anything and everything, and most importantly, we connected. I could tell from that conversation that she wasn’t uncomfortable with my awkwardness, and had the same sense of dry, dark humor that I did. She genuinely liked me for me, and that gave me hope.

Don’t get me wrong, that one night didn’t magically fix everything. But it did start a healing process. We exchanged numbers and kept in contact with each other. She pushed past literally all of my barriers like they were nothing. And over the course of the next few months, the inclination to go through with ending my life stopped. Next, the suicidal thoughts eased. My depression didn’t go away completely, it still hasn’t, but it greatly improved.

I came to realize that a lot of the things that I believed about myself, and honestly believed to be true weren’t. I really wasn’t a burden to my parents. I did in fact have people I could count on, in all actuality I had, and still do have, a pretty amazing support system that I didn’t know how to utilize then, and am still learning how to utilize now.

As a Christian, I’ve come to appreciate how perfect and beautiful the love of God is. God’s love for me never changed, it’s a consistent and unchanging love, that, even when I couldn’t see it, was still working. I wasn’t worthless, I was valuable as a child of God.

Being miserable, awkward, and uncomfortable in my own skin is something that I now attribute to my undiagnosed ADHD, and an abundance of non-ADHD people in my social circle.

So, 7 years later, my best friend and I live in separate states, have majorly different career paths, and in general lead different lives. Yet, that doesn’t matter. We both know that our relationship wasn’t built on proximity, and if one of us needs the other, that person will be there.

I bet some of you are wondering why I made the decision to tell this story. Well, for starters, it’s National Suicide Prevention Month. I want to bring awareness to a topic that is considered taboo in both mainstream and Christian cultures. In addition, because it’s so delicate, I wanted to make it clear that I’m speaking from a place of experience.

Brothers and Prosthetics

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Has anybody else ever been told not to ask God why something was happening? Growing up a church kid I heard that in various forms a lot. It’s like asking that question was ever only seen as questioning God’s authority, and never seen as seeking understanding. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times where I’ve strayed into the former, but most of the time I just want to understand. There’s one person that I can thank for helping me understand the difference: my grandfather.

He’s the reason I hold this position about asking God “why.” You see, when I was no more than 8, I was so excited to share about Salvation, and what God was doing in my life, my wonderful grandfather wasn’t having any of it. He looked at me and posed two questions that I didn’t have the answers to. “If God is so good, why did he take your brother? And if He’s so good, why’d He take my leg?” I know, harsh right? That was him though. He was gruff, blunt, and harsh even with his grandkids, but that wasn’t all of who he was. He loved his grandkids, a good western novel, and to make us laugh. So, while yeah, he was blunt to me, I respect that, because that’s the type of person I am to an extent.

At 8, I didn’t have the answers to those questions, and I wouldn’t for another 10 years. I’d always wondered the same thing about my brother. My parents had us via IVF after suffering difficulties with pregnancy beforehand. My mom had to have an emergency C-section when we were 28 weeks along because both she and my brother were sick. I showed up weighing in at 1lb 15oz, my brother was smaller, and after only an hour he died. I on the other hand spent 92 days in the NICU, having two surgeries before I was released within a day or so of my due date.

If you haven’t figured it out, my grandfather wasn’t the type of man who strayed away from asking what he needed to. Those two questions were probably asked with a dual purpose. He wanted to get me to stop talking about something that was a sore subject for him, and he also genuinely wanted to know the answer. He lost the lower half of his right leg several years before I was born due to a work accident involving high amounts of electricity. He dealt with the painful results up until the day he died. He never understood why the God who claimed to be so loving and kind would allow those awful things to happen.

I don’t think he was ever able to get those answers on this side of eternity, but I know he has them now. In 2013, he ended up hospitalized for two weeks due to COPD complications. During his stay, a dear friend of ours led him to the Lord. I no longer had to worry about his salvation, but I also never had the answers to those questions. On Mother’s Day 2017, the COPD finally took him. The next day, I sat at our kitchen table, trying to write something to say at his memorial on Tuesday. I sat there and stared at that blank screen for a long time, nothing I could think to say felt right. Then I did what I should have done in the first place. I asked God for guidance. The words flowed freely after that, and I finally got the answers. And in that speech, I was finally able to give the answers I’d spent years waiting for.

God allowed my brother to die because his life here would have been miserable, he would have been ill and his life would have only been sickness, pain, and suffering. As for my grandfather’s leg? God sometimes allows the bad things in so that later, they can be used in a way that shows His glory. I got my answers when I needed them, and not a second sooner.

I tell this story to make a point. If my grandfather had never posed those questions to me in such a way, I highly doubt my relationship with God would be where it is now. You see, him being himself, and asking the hard questions, made me start asking the hard questions. It had me examining my relationship with Christ, in a way that I don’t think was otherwise possible.

My uncle is famous for saying, “God always answers your questions in one of three ways. He says ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘wait’.” I think people stray away from asking God, “why,” because they think that it may be questioning God’s divinity and plan. If that’s your reason, you’re right, but for others, it may not. My grandfather asking me those questions put me on a path to understand the difference between questioning God’s plan and seeking understanding.

My grandfather wanted to understand why these things happened, and so he asked the questions he thought would get him the answers he was looking for thinking that he would always get the answers he wanted. That’s not how God works. I learned from him, and it has changed my life.

At some point I stopped doubting that God’s choices were the right ones, and I started being content in the choices that He made. When I realized that there was peace in whatever answer I was given, my life became a little bit less chaotic.

The Right Way

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“God has a plan.”

“If one door closes, another one opens.”

“This is God’s will.”

We’ve probably all said and heard these phrases countless times. They’re meant as a comfort for those who are hurting. To help ease the pain, and give relief of some kind. Yet for me, as I deal with health challenges both mental and physical, it feels like a slap in the face.

Let me be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with these phrases, I want to simply add a different perspective.

I feel like things like this are often said by people who just don’t know what to say. Or, they feel that they have to say the “right” or Christian thing. Yet, those phrases can leave someone feeling that their issues aren’t being validated, and the person they’re talking to is keeping them at arm’s length.

Growing up, I heard these things a lot, so much in fact that I now refuse to say them to someone as a means of trying to comfort them, at least not in an initial conversation. Instead I focus on using statements that show I see what the person is going through and either do or don’t understand while offering support in a way that still reflects my faith.

For example, to show sympathy I say something like, “Hey, while I don’t know what it feels like to deal with this, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you and praying for you.”

To show empathy it would be more like, “Hey, I’ve dealt with this thing (or something close to it), if you’d like advice, prayer, or just an ear to talk to I’m here.”

Neither of these are taking God out of the situation, but instead, concentrating on offering clear comfort with Him involved. It’s doing a good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

The word “with,” in that verse translates to “amid,” according to Strong’s concordance. (G3326) While I love this entire chapter, it’s that one verse I try to live. Paul wants to remember that we need to be amid people not keeping our distance.

Now, I want you to take a look at all the phrases, which ones put you amid the person suffering? If you chose the ones about sympathy and empathy I’m inclined to agree with you.

There’s a song called Not Right Now, by Jason Gray, that I adore because it shares the point I’m hoping you’ll see. Here’s my favorite verse.

Tell me if the hope that you know is true, 
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend.
When their words are salt in an open wound,
And they just can’t seem to understand
That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet.

We need to learn how to just be still with a person going through hard times. There isn’t always a need to be proper when trying to comfort someone. And often times, that’s not what’s needed. Just allowing that person to feel what they’re going through and sitting with them in silence can often be more healing than anything you could ever say.