Alphabet Soup and Jesus

Death and Taxes

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Can we talk about the “tax” that comes with having things like ADHD, depression, or chronic illness? It’s honestly one of the most debilitating things that comes with having a disorder or illness, because you don’t realize what your “tax” is until you’re paying it.

Sometimes, it’s monetary. For example, I’m currently wearing earbuds that I thought I lost a month ago, and therefore, replaced. After the new earbuds arrived, I went looking for a notebook, and found the old ones under the book I’m currently reading. (It’s called the Anthropocene Reviewed) It’s now too late to return the new ones, so I’ve essentially wasted the money that could have been spent on better things or saved but, hey, at least I have an extra pair when these get permanently lost.

Sometimes, it’s pain. It’s pretty common for my arms and legs to ache. Sometimes, stretching them out helps alleviate some of the pain, sometimes it just makes it worse. Sometimes, movement of any kind makes me want to curl up in fetal position and never move again. It just depends on the day. In order to still be a functioning member of society, I have to pick and choose what I do and when. If I’m having a pain day that is triggered by movement, I know that the work I get done has to not be over the top. So that may be the day I decide to work on emails and homework rather than deep clean my bedroom.

Sometimes the tax is mental/social. If I do a socially taxing thing on a Saturday, I may need to stay home from church on Sunday because my ability to filter social interactions and my energy level is depleted.

On the days I stay home from church, I find myself feeling guilty. I guess it’s the years of believing that in order to be a good Christian, I had to be in church every single time it was open. I have to remind myself, that, Scripture doesn’t say I have to attend church every single time it happens. The writer of Hebrews says to, “not forsake the assembly of the body,” (Hebrews 10:25) the word “forsake,” means to completely abandon. That verse doesn’t mean you have to attend every single time the doors are open. It means you shouldn’t turn your back on worshiping with the body of believers. Yes, corporate worship is good, I enjoy it, yet, I know that mentally, it’s draining for me as an introvert, and as person with anxiety and ADHD. The Bible makes clear that we need to take care of ourselves, as our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit. (I Corinthians 6:19) So, when I make the choice to stay home, I’m making the choice to take care of myself, because I know that going to church would do more harm to me, rather than feed me spiritually.

That isn’t to say I don’t find ways to listen and study, in fact, I’m currently writing this while listening to one of my favorite pastors teach on a topic I find fascinating. I’m able to learn and spend time in Scripture, while also helping my brain and body decompress from a taxing week.

My point is simply this: Nobody on this planet lives tax free; and for people with mental health conditions and chronic illness, those taxes can also be found in and amongst our lives in ways healthy people may not realize. It’s okay if you’re not doing all the things that society tells you to do. One of the hardest lessons that I’m learning is that society isn’t living my life and the choices I make need to be best for me, not society.

The Mirror

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I don’t enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, there was a period of time in my life where I couldn’t stand it and would avoid it at every conceivable cost. It wasn’t until recently that I could tolerate even looking in the mirror with the intent of looking at myself.

As an adult, I’m just now figuring out how to appreciate myself for who I am. But it isn’t easy.

I’ve nailed down why though.

First, it comes down to how the medical professionals in my life handled the fact I was overweight as a child and into my teenage years. For most of my preteen/teen years, I’ve been too “fat” for my height. Diet and exercise were never a forgotten topic at annual physicals, and it was always frowned down upon to express the difficulty of those things.

“You just need to try harder.”

“You’re not motivated enough.”

“[Insert food] tastes just the same as [insert food].” (It never did. That’s a lie)

“You just need to stay within your calorie limit.”

“Having anything remotely unhealthy is a treat that can only happen like once or twice a week, and even that needs to be lessened after a period of time.”

Do you know what all those things led to? A still overweight me and really unhealthy and disordered relationship with food. Despite me trying to convey that I had trouble maintaining any semblance of energy, or any motivation in general, medical professionals didn’t seem to listen very well.

You know what? That’s not okay. Because what they did was take a look at a number on the scale and determined that all issues I was experiencing were related to it. Everything could only be solved by a “healthy” weight, diet and exercise.

Screw that. Because of that number on a scale I went most of my middle and high school years with awful self-image and and the idea that all the things wrong with me were my fault.

The reality?

The executive function caused by my ADHD makes it hard to start and finish tasks. Especially when they’re tasks that I don’t necessarily want to do.

The Narcolepsy and Endometriosis make energy really hard to come by.

The Depression makes simply functioning that much more difficult.

I needed someone to listen to me, and all I really got was frustration and body shaming.

The other reason? Toxic “Biblical” teachings.

When you’re told enough times that overeating is a sin because you’re not taking care of your body, that does horrible things for your self-image and relationship with Christ.

When you’re told that you need to fit a certain standard in body and appearance in order to be “wanted” as a Christian woman, that does jack for your self-image and makes you wonder if you’re every going to be “wanted.”

When you’re shown that if you don’t follow these certain dress standards, you’re immodest and sinning, it hurts how you perceive yourself and makes you double and triple check that you’re not sinning; which, only increases the anxiety you’re already feeling.

When you’re told that you have to cover up because it “could” cause someone of the male gender to “stumble” it makes it clear that a man’s ability to keep it in his pants is more important than how you view yourself as a human being. And that you yourself aren’t nearly as important as those of the opposite sex.

When you’re told that wearing things that make you feel good about yourself for that reason alone makes you vain, it makes you want to run away from all those things and focus on not doing anything to be considered vain because God forbid, someone have another reason to judge you.

The worst part? Most of these can be attributed to someone else’s personal beliefs and not something concrete in Scripture.

But despite all of that, I grew. Now, I wear jeans that accent my features, that make me feel confident in who I am as a person.

I wear my hair in a way that gives me confidence, and doesn’t make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin because it’s consistently touching my ears and neck.

And you know what? I keep my weight what it is because I can, and because I’d rather spend my time on this earth loving myself for who I am, and not for a standard perceived by society. And on the days when I feel bad about it? I remember that one of the kids I watch said they love to snuggle with me because “your belly is soft and squishy like a pillow.” If that isn’t a good reason I don’t know what is.

All in Your Head

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Do you ever have a thought that you honestly didn’t want? You know, one of those thoughts like, “I need to run my car into that tree.” Are you actually going to do it? No. Most likely, it’s something you would never even remotely consider doing. It’s called an intrusive thought, everybody has the capability to have them and they’re not necessarily a sign of a mental health condition or something that you need to seek treatment for.

But sometimes, in cases like mine, intrusive thoughts are indicative of something more. From the research I’ve done to better understand my new diagnosis of OCD, what I’ve come to realize is that the line between “harmless” and “harmful” lies in your ability to control your intrusive thoughts.

I’ve come to realize that in my case, the more random the thought I have, the more likely it is to be harmless. Like, one time I had the clear thought of, “I’m thirsty, I need a drink,” directly followed by, “I need to drink a gallon of soap.” Just as fast as I had the thought, it was gone and I found myself laughing at the absurdity of the intrusive thought. That was a harmless intrusive thought. Totally random and totally absurd.

Then there are the harmful intrusive thoughts. Which I won’t be specifying because I don’t want to trigger myself. They’re the ones that don’t go away. The stick worse than a price sticker on a paperback book. While I can try to avoid them or distract myself, that only makes the process longer. The thoughts get so loud and overwhelming that I have to do the compulsion in order to calm myself down. That makes my brain quiet, and I can find some semblance of peace. That’s my OCD. The obsession is the thought stuck in my head that makes my brain loud and until I follow through with the compulsion, I can’t find quiet.

But, intrusive thoughts don’t just lie in OCD. They can be found in a thought spiral [a thought process that rapidly devolves into chaos and makes you anxious] leading to anxiety attacks. The can be found in depressive episodes where the voice in your head keeps telling you, “hey, you’re an atrocious human being undeserving of love.”

So, how do I deal with all the intrusive thoughts? With OCD I’m still trying to figure out coping mechanisms, I haven’t found one that works well, but I don’t plan on giving up. When it comes to depression and anxiety I have a list of coping mechanisms that include grounding exercises and a mental list of truths to combat the lies.

So, where does my faith coincide? That’s tricky. Logically, I’m aware that my thoughts aren’t rational. I know going into a depressive episode or an anxiety attack that they aren’t logical and that they aren’t the truth, but I’m also aware that my brain isn’t going to correct itself if I rely solely on praying every time I have a depressive episode, or reciting a memorized Scripture during an anxiety attack. And that’s okay.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t continue to pray and memorize Scripture, it means that I’ve prayerfully determined that the methods I need to use to help my brain aren’t necessarily spiritual ones. I’m very much aware that God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear [II Timothy 1:7], but I still have to walk myself through a grounding exercise when my anxiety becomes overwhelming. My use of a grounding exercise instead of a recitation of Scripture isn’t an indication of how strong my faith is. While yes, we will be known by our works, [Matthew 7:16], the work in question isn’t a wrong or bad one. My anxiety is often brought on by something tangible or visible, and the way that my brain works means that I need a physical way to bring myself back to reality. I need to focus on memories or places I feel safe. Figuring out what I can see hear, smell etc., to help bring me back to reality. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a tool God has given me to handle the intrusive thoughts I can’t control. And that’s a pretty amazing thing.

Failure to Function

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I’m not going to lie, if it weren’t for my medication, I wouldn’t be nearly as functional as I am now. It does everything from easing my ADHD symptoms, to helping my brain rationally work through a problem in a situation where, if I were unmedicated, my anxiety might not allow me to use rationale. But, medication isn’t perfect.

Yeah, my ADHD symptoms are eased by the medicine I take for my ADHD, but it took 2 years, and several medicine changes, to get to that point. In addition, my symptoms sometimes win the battle. There have been days where, despite all the medicine, coping skills, and loopholes, my executive dysfunction still has me unable to do anything productive, and my thoughts are flying so fast I feel like a radio that is permanently on “seek,” with no end in sight.

My depression medicine helps with my depression, anxiety and OCD, but it’s not perfect. Not only have I had to try different medications, since I first started taking them at 17, because either the side effects are too rough, or my body just gets used to them, but sometimes, even when they are working, it’s not enough. So, sometimes I have to run. (Not literally. If you see me running that’s because there’s probably something chasing me and you should be running too.) I have to hop in my car and drive until I get to one of my favorite nature spots. Once there, I climb in the back of my 2005 CRV, put in my earplugs that dampen noise and I just sit.

When I’m there, I’m able to breathe. All the worries about family drama, the anxiety that I’m not doing this “life” thing right, the feeling the need to be aggravated at every tiny thing that’s been bugging me; all of that can just leave. There, I can just sit, I can just exist without fear or worry. It’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms are psychological strategies or adaptations done to relieve stress. (dictionary.com) For Christians, that can look like prayer, quoting Scripture, or worship, it can also look like breathing techniques, having to put your back against a wall, relying on your 5 senses to calm you down etc. Coping mechanisms don’t have to have a Christian theme. For me, I’ve realized that what I’m trying to cope with matters greatly as to what type of coping mechanism I use. For example, to help me get through the flashbacks that I’d get when I pass the place where I flipped my car, I wave and say, “Hi” to the spot. Yes, it looks and is odd, but it was something I started doing as a joke, but realized that it helped me acknowledge the fact that I had the accident, but I’m not currently in the accident. Since then, my flashbacks have been greatly reduced. Would that work for dealing with my anxiety as to whether or not I’m a “good enough,” Christian? No. I deal with that anxiety by reminding myself of the fact that my relationship with God isn’t based of society’s standards, or what everybody else determines is right. My relationship with God is based off of what the Bible says.

Do I always have success with coping mechanisms? Nope. I’m currently working on figuring out some that will help with my OCD, so far, the ones that we’ve tried have either not worked, or given me a literal headache. Like with the medications, that just comes with the territory of being a person with mental health conditions. For me, it’s also part of being a Christian. I struggle to find ways to keep a consistent Bible study and prayer life, right now, this blog is the closest I’ve come to being consistent. I am continuously looking up Scripture, to make sure that what I’m saying is Biblically accurate. I’m also pretty consistently conversing with God as I prepare to write what I want to say.

While I’ve never felt guilty about medication changes or needing a multitude of coping mechanisms, I have found myself feeling guilty about the fact that I can’t do a traditional Bible study or have a traditional prayer life. Once I realized that, like my medications and coping mechanisms needed to be tailored to my needs, my relationship with Christ did as well. No, my prayer life and Bible study aren’t perfect, just like my coping mechanisms don’t always work and my medications don’t guarantee a productive and functional day. That’s okay though, because I’m still working on myself and I’m still discovering what works.

The Church and Suicide

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I’m going to be honest, in the churches I’ve attended and the sermons I’ve listened to, even outside those churches, I don’t think I’ve heard a sermon on suicide or mental health in general. In fact, the only mentions of suicide I remember hearing in a sermon were those of a spiritual aspect, in that it was a sin and the person would go to Hell.

I don’t know if those positions hold truth, so I’m not going to speak as to whether they do or don’t, but I do know that if the goal is to help and reach someone who is suicidal, there are more beneficial ways to go about it.

Pastors and Teachers:

As I said before, in my experience, suicide isn’t talked about in the church, and if it is, it’s presented in a way that can make those struggling to stay afloat feel like the suicidal thoughts and ideations they’re having are solely their fault and that they did something wrong to cause these things to happen.

While I’m sure sin has the propensity to cause those things, there are a host of other things that cause suicidal thoughts and ideations that have no relation to sin. And simply saying that suicide is sin, selfish, wrong, etc., is only going to be harmful and could possibly be a catalyst that propels a person to attempt to end their life.

To clarify, suicide and it’s ideations aren’t selfish. If a person is struggling with these ideations, there’s a good chance that their reasons are to ease someone else’s pain. They may see themselves as a burden, or liability whether physically, mentally, or financially. Please, please, keep this in mind when you, as a person in authority, speak on this subject.

Normalize Mental Health in your Church

That doesn’t necessarily have to be doing grandiose actions. It can look like making a point to say that things like depression and anxiety can be caused by sin and by other factors like trauma and genetics and clarifying to which one you are speaking to. While this isn’t directly related to suicide, this could put the people struggling at ease to know that you see the distinction between sin related mental health and medical related mental health and thus possibly make themselves more open to come to you.

Know your Limits in a Counseling Capacity

As people who are often sought out for advice, it’s really important to know when you need to advise someone to seek help for their issue when it’s more than you are qualified for, or have experience with. Suicide isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and since suicidal thoughts are intrusive (meaning that a person has no control over them), you’ve got to be careful about how you approach someone dealing with them. Yes, by all means pray for them. Yes, by all means, if you have experience with this share it. Yes, if you have knowledge on how to help them go for it, but also don’t be hesitant to direct them to a medical professional or organization who would be better equipped to help them.

Christians in General

Listen

Don’t jump in with a churchy saying or Bible verse that helped you right away. Just listen to what the person is trying to say. If you’ve been trusted with someone opening up to you about suicidal thoughts and ideations, take it as a privilege. Don’t rush to give them an anecdote, just try to hear what they are saying. Ask questions for clarification, but don’t negate their beliefs or experiences, just be there, and be kind.

(Of course, if the danger is imminent, please contact the proper authorities and/or a suicide hotline.)

Follow Through

One of the most important things you can do for a person who is struggling with this, as a Christian, is keep your word. If you offer to call them or visit them daily/weekly/monthly etc., do it. If you offer to pray for them, do it. Knowing that they have one person in their corner can literally change their entire world, please take that seriously.

I get this topic is controversial, uncomfortable, and downright scary. As someone who has lived through those ideations, I can confirm that it’s terrifying to open up and express what you’re feeling. It’s also terrifying to have those things expressed to you, and that’s perfectly okay. If you get anything from this series, I want it to be that kindness, honesty, and openness can go a long way in helping people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations.

The Right Way

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“God has a plan.”

“If one door closes, another one opens.”

“This is God’s will.”

We’ve probably all said and heard these phrases countless times. They’re meant as a comfort for those who are hurting. To help ease the pain, and give relief of some kind. Yet for me, as I deal with health challenges both mental and physical, it feels like a slap in the face.

Let me be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with these phrases, I want to simply add a different perspective.

I feel like things like this are often said by people who just don’t know what to say. Or, they feel that they have to say the “right” or Christian thing. Yet, those phrases can leave someone feeling that their issues aren’t being validated, and the person they’re talking to is keeping them at arm’s length.

Growing up, I heard these things a lot, so much in fact that I now refuse to say them to someone as a means of trying to comfort them, at least not in an initial conversation. Instead I focus on using statements that show I see what the person is going through and either do or don’t understand while offering support in a way that still reflects my faith.

For example, to show sympathy I say something like, “Hey, while I don’t know what it feels like to deal with this, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you and praying for you.”

To show empathy it would be more like, “Hey, I’ve dealt with this thing (or something close to it), if you’d like advice, prayer, or just an ear to talk to I’m here.”

Neither of these are taking God out of the situation, but instead, concentrating on offering clear comfort with Him involved. It’s doing a good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (ESV)

The word “with,” in that verse translates to “amid,” according to Strong’s concordance. (G3326) While I love this entire chapter, it’s that one verse I try to live. Paul wants to remember that we need to be amid people not keeping our distance.

Now, I want you to take a look at all the phrases, which ones put you amid the person suffering? If you chose the ones about sympathy and empathy I’m inclined to agree with you.

There’s a song called Not Right Now, by Jason Gray, that I adore because it shares the point I’m hoping you’ll see. Here’s my favorite verse.

Tell me if the hope that you know is true, 
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend.
When their words are salt in an open wound,
And they just can’t seem to understand
That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet.

We need to learn how to just be still with a person going through hard times. There isn’t always a need to be proper when trying to comfort someone. And often times, that’s not what’s needed. Just allowing that person to feel what they’re going through and sitting with them in silence can often be more healing than anything you could ever say.