If I could choose one passage in the Bible to pretend didn’t exist, I’d have to go with a passage in Romans. You know, the one that says,

“Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:17-21

Oof. If you were unaware, I’m the type of person that has the capability to be petty and vengeful if the need arises. Sometimes, words are enough. I come from a family who knows how to use words to cut like a knife, and I definitely inherited that trait. It can also be in what I do. I’ve never been one to outright do something outlandish and giant to show my displeasure, but I am the type of person who, if I felt strongly enough might mail someone a potato at random intervals just to drive them insane because they did something that incurred my ire. So, when I read this passage of Scripture that clearly outlines that way of thinking is wrong, I have to take a deep breath and approximatly 100 steps back. So, as a reminder to myself, let’s break this passage down.

This passage of Scripture is part of Paul’s explanation of how a Christian should live, a literal “How To” guide on Christianity. This section, literally takes my idea for pettiness and throws it out the window. We as Christians aren’t meant to get back at someone, because that’s not our place. The vengance for wrongdoings belongs to God, and God alone. Instead, we’re to show them kindness in caring for them and in so doing, we’re going to “heap coals of fire on his head.” It’s been surmised that that phrase essentially means that by watching how you responded to their wrongdoing, they will, in turn, feel ashamed for how they acted toward you. You’re not going to “win” if you stoop to their level, it’s only going to give them a lower opinion of you.

Does this passage mean that you’ve got to let the person who wrong you continue to wrong you and walk all over you for the rest of your life? No. Show them kindness, forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you become a doormat. Sometimes the biggest kindness you can give a person who has wronged you is to love them from a distance. Caring about someone, and loving them doesn’t necessarily mean you allow yourself to be in a situation that is harmful for your mental or physical health. Matthew 10:14 points out that if you’re not being received, you should dust the dirt off your shoes and leave.

As I set down the box of instant mashed potatoes I planned to sprinkle in the yard of the person who irked me on the next rainy night, I know that I’m making the right choice. Yet, just because I’m not going to actively seek vengence, doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive this person yet. Yes, I’m aware forgiveness is necessary, but I’m just not there yet. As a person who has seen their fair amount of truama, I know that in order to forgive, I must first process the situation which got me to this point. Depending on the situation, that can take a couple of hours, years, or anything in between.

Here’s where I’m at: I no longer have plans to enact starchy vengance, but I’m not ready to forgive this person. Do I still have to interact with them? Honestly, I think that’s a personal thing. My personality makes the idea of being around that person not a good idea. So, I know that I’m not going to go out of my way to interact with them, yet, if I do interact with them, I’m not going to be rude. I’ll do my best to be cordial. That’s the best I can do.

I think I’m still angry right now, but I know I won’t be forever. I’ll be able to forgive this person eventually, it’ll just take time. And while I work toward that, I’ll keep my distance from that person. Even after I forgive them, I may find out that I’ll need to continue to love from a distance. That’s setting boundries to allow yourself to not only have an optimal relationship with that person, but also allowing yourself to keep your mental health.