Do you ever have a thought that you honestly didn’t want? You know, one of those thoughts like, “I need to run my car into that tree.” Are you actually going to do it? No. Most likely, it’s something you would never even remotely consider doing. It’s called an intrusive thought, everybody has the capability to have them and they’re not necessarily a sign of a mental health condition or something that you need to seek treatment for.

But sometimes, in cases like mine, intrusive thoughts are indicative of something more. From the research I’ve done to better understand my new diagnosis of OCD, what I’ve come to realize is that the line between “harmless” and “harmful” lies in your ability to control your intrusive thoughts.

I’ve come to realize that in my case, the more random the thought I have, the more likely it is to be harmless. Like, one time I had the clear thought of, “I’m thirsty, I need a drink,” directly followed by, “I need to drink a gallon of soap.” Just as fast as I had the thought, it was gone and I found myself laughing at the absurdity of the intrusive thought. That was a harmless intrusive thought. Totally random and totally absurd.

Then there are the harmful intrusive thoughts. Which I won’t be specifying because I don’t want to trigger myself. They’re the ones that don’t go away. The stick worse than a price sticker on a paperback book. While I can try to avoid them or distract myself, that only makes the process longer. The thoughts get so loud and overwhelming that I have to do the compulsion in order to calm myself down. That makes my brain quiet, and I can find some semblance of peace. That’s my OCD. The obsession is the thought stuck in my head that makes my brain loud and until I follow through with the compulsion, I can’t find quiet.

But, intrusive thoughts don’t just lie in OCD. They can be found in a thought spiral [a thought process that rapidly devolves into chaos and makes you anxious] leading to anxiety attacks. The can be found in depressive episodes where the voice in your head keeps telling you, “hey, you’re an atrocious human being undeserving of love.”

So, how do I deal with all the intrusive thoughts? With OCD I’m still trying to figure out coping mechanisms, I haven’t found one that works well, but I don’t plan on giving up. When it comes to depression and anxiety I have a list of coping mechanisms that include grounding exercises and a mental list of truths to combat the lies.

So, where does my faith coincide? That’s tricky. Logically, I’m aware that my thoughts aren’t rational. I know going into a depressive episode or an anxiety attack that they aren’t logical and that they aren’t the truth, but I’m also aware that my brain isn’t going to correct itself if I rely solely on praying every time I have a depressive episode, or reciting a memorized Scripture during an anxiety attack. And that’s okay.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t continue to pray and memorize Scripture, it means that I’ve prayerfully determined that the methods I need to use to help my brain aren’t necessarily spiritual ones. I’m very much aware that God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear [II Timothy 1:7], but I still have to walk myself through a grounding exercise when my anxiety becomes overwhelming. My use of a grounding exercise instead of a recitation of Scripture isn’t an indication of how strong my faith is. While yes, we will be known by our works, [Matthew 7:16], the work in question isn’t a wrong or bad one. My anxiety is often brought on by something tangible or visible, and the way that my brain works means that I need a physical way to bring myself back to reality. I need to focus on memories or places I feel safe. Figuring out what I can see hear, smell etc., to help bring me back to reality. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a tool God has given me to handle the intrusive thoughts I can’t control. And that’s a pretty amazing thing.