I debated about what I should write about for my first official blog post. I could go overly deep and spiritual and talk about how damaging the church can be if they don’t take mental health seriously. I could be lighthearted and tell funny stories that my conditions have created. Instead, I went for this.

In late 2019 or early 2020 I decided to grow out my hair. It had been up to the middle of my ear throughout high school, and down to about my chin up from late 2018 onward I was ready for a change. Well, the pandemic hit, and instead of gradually growing it out and getting it trimmed regularly, I ended up not getting it cut for 18 months.

The first picture is a good representation of how I looked at myself. I didn’t know it then, but at the time of that picture being taken, I was about 2 weeks away from a decent mental breakdown. I was exhausted, depressed, and disgusted with myself. I’d been sleeping less than normal for some reason, and so that, in combination with my depression medicine losing effectiveness led me to be more depressed than normal. Finally, I was disgusted with myself. I felt ugly. I couldn’t take care of the long hair. I was too tired/fatigued/depressed to be able to wash, condition, AND brush it every day. It made me feel inadequate. That I couldn’t take care of something so simple.

After my breakdown, a new medicine, and a week spent not being allowed to be alone, I came to the realization that I needed to change something. I needed to put my ADHD-think-outside-the-box hat on and figure out what needed to change. Well, that change ended up being my hair. 6 days after my breakdown, I was hanging out with a few friends, and commented how tired I was of getting my sunglasses stuck in my irritatingly long hair. One of them happened to mention that they had a battery powered shaver, and, two hours later I had a new haircut.

I now feel more like myself than I have in years. One thing helped change the view I had of my appearance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like everything about the way I look, but this went a really long way into boosting my self confidence.

I’m sure some of you are wondering, “How does a really amazing haircut relate to Jesus?” Well, fear not my friends, I have that answer.

Just like making one outward choice changed how I viewed myself, so can making one inward choice. When you accept Christ as your Saviour, you go from living for yourself, to living with a purpose. When new Christians are welcomed into the family of God, their sins are washed away and they are a new creature in Christ. You now have someone to lean on no matter the time of day, someone who will never leave you or forsake you. Someone who loves you no matter your past mistakes. Someone who sees the beautiful broken mess that you are and loves you that much harder. In Christ, we are valued, treasured, and no longer defined by what we think we should be.

If I had to define how having a pretty bad mental breakdown and then shaving 85% of my hair off changed me, this is what I would have to say:

For me, going to the darkest recesses of my mind isn’t something I do often, but when I do, it’s pretty horrible. If it weren’t for Christ, I firmly believe I wouldn’t be able to be here now. The hours that I sat there unable to get rid of thoughts that plagued my nightmares, were also filled with a continuous cry to Jesus. It was a literal battle. I’d slip, and the prayer would start again. I wasn’t even saying anything in those prayers, but Christ knew. He didn’t choose to take them away, He chose to sit with me through them until they were gone. It was the reminder that I needed that no matter what I’m experiencing, no matter who is or isn’t with me in person, Christ will always be.

References:

II Corinthians 5:17 (new creature)

Deuteronomy 31:6 (never leave or forsake you)